6-30 After being married for 25 years (we are in our late 50s) this is a new one for us. I must say it is different, a good different. Before Karezza my wife and I had what I consider to be a great sex life, orgasm driven and goal oriented though it was. We had sex about every other day with mutual orgasm about twice a week and me orgasming every time, that was always the goal, orgasm. Me hoping she would cum, her hoping I would cum, her hoping she would cum, you know the drill. Although my wife only orgasmed once maybe twice weekly I always felt like I needed to do more to get her to cum more often.

Now, that doesn't exist and what a difference! Our sex life has taken on a whole new look and feel. I used Cialis for about the last four years due to some ED issues and I don't even need that anymore, amazing! My erections are getting back to where they were ten years ago, happening sooner with less physical stimulation and being as hard as they ever were, and even though I sometimes loose my erection during Karezza, it comes around again, every time so far, and that never happened before, once it was gone, it was gone. I can only think it must be because the pressure to last and to perform are gone, what a relief.

So we are reading the book by Lloyd, enjoying this journey and taking it one day at a time. We are practicing Karezza every day right now for about an hour or more but I suppose that will change as we get more into it. I guess right now it is still a novel thing for us and we will probably get back the every other day routine. I must admit I do miss those huge orgasms we had together but the trade-off, so far is worth it.

We have always been a bonding couple. It seems like this was just what we needed at this point in our marriage at this time, not easy to explain, but so far it's working. Yesterday we discovered the "Karezza oral sex" gear, WOW! I never would have imagined what it could be like not finish a session like that without orgasms, never would have dreamed of it, but all I can say is WOW! Just as intercourse is very gentle and slow and lengthy, so was this, it took some focusing and thought to "stay" where we needed to be, but it did work. It was not mutual oral sex but individual. It also took some communication between us to let each other know when to give things a break before they got too heated up.

We have had orgasmless intercourse many times over the last 25 years, just as a means of bonding, but never knew what it was called and never continued with it, always went back to having orgasms, which for us almost always are simultaneous. With orgasmless sex, when it was over, it was over, kinda nice. A nice closeness and a nice feeling. I guess that is what Karezza is all about, I'm just not too sure about the whole 'no more o's ' concept. We are going to give it a try.

7-06 Does anyone have an opinion on edging while involved in Karezza? Wife and I are still new to this but it happened last night during intercourse and it was fun and good but we don't know if it is a good path to go down or not. Several times we both got so close to orgasm, and though it was a bit difficult we managed to get things back to normal, whatever that is......

We use 100% pure cocoa butter as a lubricant. It is a hard stick when it is room temp but with a little body heat it quickly melts, we love the way it smells and tastes, like chocolate! It does not loose it's lubricity like some of the water based stuff.

7-07 Slamming on the brakes is no fun, it feels unnatural to stop the whole process. Seems like it is better not to go there. We can both have nice long bonding sessions without getting to the edge, so we are going to try to avoid going down that road, approaching orgasm and having to 'hold back'. The bonding effect is better without it, regardless of how good it feels. But it's all good!

I have suffered from sleep disorder for years but since Karezza came into our lives I sleep through the night. Don't know if it is just a coincidence or if it has something to do with no orgasms. This is all so amazing to me, how come we haven't heard more about Karezza over the years? This is the best thing that has ever happened to our marriage. I have also noticed stronger urine stream etc. The benefits are amazing.

7-08 I can't tell you how much it has meant to my wife and I to have this site available. Thank-you! I want to share this place with some friends but am not too sure how to approach it. My wife and I both agree, it would be great to help out some struggling couples we know. Just not too sure how to do it..

I am sure Fox News would be interested in this and with a little publicity it would be watched and talked about by lots of folks for a long time! With all the talk nowadays about gay rights, lesbian rights, etc., I would imagine this topic would be one they would like to discuss and debate.

The other way to understand things sometimes, is to follow the money, there is no money in this thing, certainly the Pharmacuetical companies don't want anyone to hear about anything that can help with ED and sleep dissorder, and they sure don't won't to hear about something that doesn't cost a dime, bringing feelings of wellbeing and happiness, without taking a pill, or spending thousands with counselors and shrinks. Imagine what the marriage counseling sector would have to say about it. I remember being told one time years ago that one way to measure the strength and success of a marriage was by the amount of sex and orgasms! How many times have men and women felt guilty because they didn't orgasm when making love with their mate? And you can imagine how this would go over with the porn industry, hahaha. Oh well enough of this, just glad we found it, or it found us....

7-11 Several years ago I used a balloon and a helium tank to explain to my wife how my orgasms worked. We would time our orgasms, so we could orgasm together, and sometimes when I was "ahead" of her I would need her to slow down (she was usually on top) to let me recover a bit. I would inflate the balloon until it almost popped and then release some of the helium and then I would refill it. I did this several times to show her how it worked. After several inflation/deflation cycles I let it fill up till it popped, BANG! BOOM! orgasm, dead balloon...... I did this to help her better understand how once the balloon popped (or I had my orgasm) it was all over. No more, done, finished, it's over, sorry about your luck. Now that we are practicing Karezza the balloon does get a bit inflated from time to time but being aware of what is happening an not "over-inflating" the balloon is what it is all about now. There is no more done, finished, it's over, sorry about your luck, which is what we are finding to be the beauty of Karezza. Both of us come away feeling satisfied and bonded not leaving either one out in the cold, helpless, in need, and unsatisfied. It would be nice to see Karezza out in the open.

7-14The Hidden Factor is the next thing people need to be exposed to. That was what my wife and watched and that is what really got us through the initial learning curve.

I do believe there is a learning curve with Karezza, it's just not 'natural' for us to have sex without orgasm. It takes some education before the lightbulb comes on. Once it does come on it's like, "Wow, this makes sense!" but I don't think it's possible without some education. Those dumb c-nts on "The View" are a prime example of that. You should go to ABCs site and check those idiots out! Yeah, orgasms are the holy grail till you know better, especially when they are experienced together. Grandma used to say lard tasted good till you tried butter.

And what about this whole issue of a woman having "female sexual disorder" because she doesn't have regular, mind blowing orgasm? Now they are going to consider this another "disease" which will require more medical treatment and of course, some more pills you can take to get fixed of your disease. And I can hear husbands saying, "You need to get to the doctor honey and get checked out so you can start having orgasms again.  I hear there is a new pill to help fix your problem".

Oh well, enough ranting and raving, we aren't going to change the world that's for sure. I am just thankful that our marriage has been blessed with a new way to bond and be close. We are closer than ever. We have intercourse almost every day, without orgasms, neither one of us is horny or craving sex, just craving the bonding time together. It is so easy and so natural. It is amazing!

(Louie) Sexual energy is potent stuff. If you decide to retain semen then it is going to build up in your system. My kundalini syndrome [uncomfortable symptoms] happened because I was hoarding up sexual energy. There got to be too much of it in my system. It was literally cooking me from the inside. I learned from that experience that energy has to move. If you do not allow it to move in ways that are natural, then it will find unnatural ways to move.

It was karezza that completed the puzzle for me. I knew what semen retention could do. I knew that I could build up huge amounts of sexual energy very quickly if I wanted to. Karezza showed me how to move that energy within my marriage in ways that were highly beneficial for both me and my wife.

I used to think that sexual practices were about building up more and more energy.

Now I know that the energy is not meant to be hoarded. It is meant to be used or shared. I build up yang energy, and I pass some to my wife through karezza. She builds up yin and passes some to me. Neither of us is depleted by this process. Rather, we are balanced by it. The more often we are in loving contact with each other, the better the energy will flow and the better balanced we will both be.

The energy can also flow into other areas of your life (exercise, job, friendships, hobbies etc). If you over heat you can also let it go. You simply put your bare feat on the ground and will the excess energy to move into the ground. I am sure that sounds whacked to anyone who has not experienced it, but it works. The Earth is one big energy sink. People doing solo karezza should try that when they start to feel like the sexual energy is too much.

(Bianca) The glorousness, the bliss of emptiness is already here, hate to bring it up . . . So this bliss is available just by learning how to open to it. The ego doesn't have to get destroyed FIRST, it gets dissolved AS WE DO IT. It's happening right now, we're dying right now!

So by saying you will draw the line, I think you are challenging my basic premise that this form of lovemaking is essentially a spiritual endeavor, the point of which is always to help dissolve the ego (learn how to die) and open up to intrinsic wisdom, love, and emptiness that is the foundation of everything.

Apologies in advance for getting too technical or esoterical on you, but we might as well have a conversation in this forum at some point about the fact that this journey is not just about being more balanced and enjoying sex a bit more, avoiding more gender discord - but, by implication, the ability to completely and radically transform ourselves and through us, our world, through the act of making love. Now THAT'S a project, people. Forget the "project" of learning the technical skill of turning your wife's breasts on, just allow yourself to be totally turned on by her. I have a feeling this is what that stillness is about, and why it is so important. Because from the stillness emerges WHAT IS. And i think when we see in that stillness of what is, what emerges is a realizatino that we are creative, powerful, and intentional beings. The power to know that is a huge threat not only to our ego, but to the ego structures of our culture that have been built up around us not figuring that out.

This is not a government conspiracy theory I am bringking up. The dire news is that the situation is much more serious than even that!~ The universe, it seems, has conspired with a highly sophisticated and sensitive feedback loop system, to set up a scenario of ingenious and perfect design, which would allow human beings to go through lifetimes of ignorance and suffering in the hopes that through enough repetition and trial and error, we would actually realize that we have the option to Wake Up in Love. It is your birthright to have this choice, Sood. Sadly, almost all of us opt against it, time and time again. "Not today!" we say. As though we were too rational to bother being enlightened, as though the function of enlightenment were just a bit extreme, a little too far out there to be worth really considering as an option for yours truly.

Whether you continue to experiment with seeking to abstain from orgasm, even with the intention of deliberately deciding you will not most assuredly not give up your ego in the process, I give you a salute for at least admitting that you have the choice to make that decision. I just wonder what the implications of that choice are for how you will be able to open to the stillpoint that is karezza. (in an interesting way, learning to work with and identify sillpoints everywhere in life has helped me to go through the current transition I am with my business and my means of supporting myself. the universe quite nicely has brought my business to a near standstill, allowing me to 1) be fearful and cling to the old sense of self, or 2) radically transform into my greater desire to support myself as a bodyworker. This can only be done if I am able to recognize and use the wisdom of the stillpoint. My ability to even have the presence of mind to recognize the stillpoint and see that I am transforming myself so radically stems from spiritual practice. My sense of purpose and the very offering I make to the world is shifting so dramatically, that of course my very sense of my self must as well. The ability to make this shift and transition I believe, relies wholly upon the practices I am making a deliberate effort at cultivating: karezza, meditation, dance, and music. If I do make the shift and open to it, I will learn through it that stillness and trust in the world lead to much more coherent functioning and joy, whereas speed, fear, and mistrust do not).

And I'm not really trying to be critical here, because I'm just like you in that losing my ego is the LAST thing I want ~ naturally, since I identify my ego as being my SELF. I mean, I LOVE the ego! It's very useful at letting me stay irritable, selfish, and confused, if not outright miserable, manipulative, and whiney at times. And I mean, the ego is so RATIONAL, what would we do without it? It says, "Enlightenment sounds very grand and all, but look what you'd have to give up? I won't judge enlightenment, I just don't think its practical. Remaining miserable, going through another 13,000 years of domination, war, killing, rape, discord, is much more thrilling! Get's the blood pumping! Much more entertaining!"

I'm simply sharing with you my realization of the actual risks of really trying to practice karezza, in that is not so tempting because it holds that danger of losing the ego. I am just trying to suggest that my glimpses of the bliss, that came out of the stillpoint of karezza, suggest to me that our ego is not actually who we really are. It is associated with our physical body and our single life in this earthly realm, and so it is a key to being in human form. But it is not who we ultimately are. And I sense that when we can see through lovemaking that creating the space for who we really are to emerge is not ONLY a death, but SIMULTANEOUSLY an emergence of what was underlying the whole charade of pain, suffering, boredom, and exhaustion that the ego generates.

From the dynamic stillness, something emerges. A spark, the spark of our conception, the spark that is you, which is the spark of the universe making love to itself through you.

Who is it that said we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human one?

(sood) My reason for becoming interested in Karezza was partly pleasure oriented; but it was more a case of wanting to ensure my wife and I were able to 'become one' when making love, with more regularity and certainty, and also with greater depth and for longer periods. I wasn't particularly interested in overall harmony, as we're quite sparky personalities, and enjoy our differences. I simply wanted us to be able to put those differences aside and become one, any time we felt like it.

Another part of my belief system is that my wife and I are 'old friends'. We've met before and we'll meet again. We have distinct personalities but fit together, like two jigsaw pieces. Maybe there are other pieces to this jigsaw; maybe it's a two piece puzzle; maybe our two pieces form part of a limitless whole. I don't know. The more we take ourselves apart, and put ourselves together again, the more fulfilled I feel. That's enough for me to be going on with, this time around.

Possibly, the melding I'm seeking could be thought of as a form of ego annihilation. That depends on whether personality or individuality and ego are the same thing. I certainly don't feel like 'I' am dissolving. The way I would describe the experience is that 'I' - and hopefully 'she', become 'we'. We don't become formless, as I would imagine ego annihilists do; we take on a different, united form.

(maso - male) Saying 'no orgasms ever again' would probably freak anybody out. But you are not really doing that, sometimes orgasms happen and you can also decide to have one. When we first started, physically missing an orgasm was hard and often unsuccessful. Sometimes even now it can be uncomfortable at times. Blue balls is a real feeling. It’s not like someone kicked you in the nuts, more like an achy swollen feeling and it’s uncomfortable. It is also part psychological because you know how to cure the feeling, shoot your load. If you massage your boyfriend around his junk and in back of his sack it can help. It can also get him hotter so you need to be careful how you do it, ask him if it helps him or how to change what you are doing. It does get easier as you practice and when you mellow out how you do stuff.

What helped us is that with Karezza we spend more time physically making love and not just thrusting. When things get too hot, I will still be inside her, side by side, and we talk, kiss and touch. I love to look into my girlfriends eyes when I am touching her breasts. Sometimes that is even too hot, especially for her. If we stop thrusting I can kind of relax and cool off a little, but she still seems to stay heated up. So you need to try different stuff and keep what works for you. We both really like staying connected and talking and making out. When we talk sometimes it isn’t normal love making talk, sometimes we joke around, and just private things between us. When your boyfriend can connect with doing something like that then it gets easier not to have an orgasm every time. To a guy at first shooting your wad seems like everything but once you start to experience other feelings then those feelings start to take hold and you want those also.

Every time you make love with your boyfriend it is a new experience. Karezza is something you are going to do one day at a time and you do it together. We think exploring this together is what is really great.

(treehouse) We had a major breakthrough last night. Here's what I've learnt, all in the last 24 hours :)

- the schedule is really important; it creates intention, which means consciousness. Several weeks of trial and error were required before we got as far as negotiating a regular schedule for intercourse. That's when things really started to anchor for us. And the reason for this, I believe, is it creates intentionality. Where the mind goes the body follows. Both of you aligned and committed to the process. Powerful.
- take the responsibility that you feel and use it, don't expect the other to do X or Y
- learn some form of breathing-related art, tai chi, qigong etc, It's not accidental that karezza has its roots in the ancient taoist traditions, where the breath, life force, and sexual energy are inextricably interwoven.
- it helps to remember that the key to really 'getting'Cupid is that when one of you orgasms you'll always struggle for a while to get your passions back in sync
- again, I cant say it enough, Richardsons' material has real answers:

Reach out to your partner and place your relaxed hands on their positive pole. Channel your love and warmth through your hands into them while allowing the eyes to meet...[This is] very important as it sets the stage for the interplay of polarity once penetration occurs. When the positive poles are alive to each other...an incredible interchange of energy is possible. Lovemaking can become increasingly dynamic, the bodies twisting and turning around and into each other for hours, as if possessed by life itself.

Also, in the beginning when you are learning, its best just to enter and lay still. For an hour. Just lay there. Change positions from time to time, as your mind wanders or someone yawns. But not moving, no wriggling, jiggling squirming, nothing.

The reasons are these:
- none of the books describe what gentle is, and our old exciteable brain tends to interpret gentle way more arousingly than karezza envisions. Its just force of habit.
- After youve done this a few times youll learn to not be agitated when erections come and go. This helps reduce the performance pressure which also contributes to over excitableness.

About erections. In the begnning you'll be all self conscious about them. Theres lots of change going on, less reliance on previous excitment crutches, and lots of well, self consciousness. Yur erection might seem to be hiding to begin with, and when it does finally appear...may disappear all too readily! Let me assure you that when you get over this newness stage your erection will be there when you need it. :)

(Rachel) If you can both learn to relax into your bodies where lovemaking is easy and calm you will see it's something you can do as you fall asleep at night, when you are taking an afternoon nap, or in the morning when you're not quite ready to get up yet. It's just a beautiful way to plug into each other and keep your love flowing. And when I say lovemaking is easy and calm I do *not* mean it's boring or there is nothing happening. Your bodies may be still, but the penis and vagina are very active and alive and communicating and pulsating! But that can only happen once you put your focus there and away from anything else (both of you). The more you do it and practice it, the easier it becomes.

(Marnia) When men, especially, first start containing their energy, they may feel uncharacteristically "needy" for a while. Partners can help by initiating daily bonding behaviors and sticking to agreed upon intercourse schedules. Another good solution is a daily, first-thing-in-the-morning karezza session that's almost a meditation. More vigorous sex can still be arranged for other times, but the daily "plug-in" helps both partners feel calmer and well fed.

(Darryl) I think of beginning a karezza practice like stepping into a room that's in total darkness. At first we all stumble around, bump into things, dont even know whats in the room, and search for the light switch, (which there isnt one since this room is only lit by natural light). Slowly we start to see where things are, whats in the room and how to get around. Also, everybody's room is arranged differently since we're all different and the combination of two people set up the room uniquely to them.

What I'm saying is, karezza is a "fumble as you go and find your own way" kind of experience. Once you're in the room, (which you get to by your intention to avoid orgasm, notice I only said "intention") it's all about the discovery and the dance between partners, and what a sweet dance it becomes.

There's no right or wrong way, only your discovery as the room slowly comes into focus. What all my amorphous words said: If I was going to give any advice, it would be to choose behaviors that don't lead to slipping over the edge. Of course, slipping over the edge will help you figure out which behaviors to choose. How about that?

It's taken my wife and me 14 years of feeling our way around this room on our own to get where we are now and I'm very glad we did it by feel and intuition, although having fellow travelers to talk with in the early days would have been nice.

(blissed) If you plan to fall asleep with PIV [penis in vagina] use whatever pillows or props that you need. Get as comfortable as you possibly can. Many mornings we awake well-rested a half hour or more before the alarm clock, and have a nice space of time for conscious, gentle lovemaking that always sets the tone for the whole day. This morning we were more sleepy than usual, but we still spent a few minutes chest to chest, and then 10-15 minutes of PIV. We now have a sexual abundance that works very well for us without any of the common time crunch problems of fitting frequent lovemaking and sexual healing into our busy daily schedules.

(bianca) Slow gentle tender sex is just more of a turn on for women. So of course the irony is that karezza will make women very orgasmic, perhaps more so, because it is more in tune with her approach to sexuality. Sensation increases with less speed. What's happening is that the energetic anatomy of your girlfriend, which is responding to the presence of your penis, is waking up, and with it, her regular anatomy. Ie, she is starting to become TRULY receptive now that things are slowing down, and her whole circuitry is waking up in a new way. Cheers to that! For the woman, the question shifts to "how can I possibly receive this much pleasure without going over?"

(emerson) This is what works for us:
We always begin in the spoon position. First I get inside her all the way, which I try to do very very slow, then I don't do anymore than it takes to remain hard, which sometimes is no movement at all. We will remain that way for around ten or twenty minutes, and then I will begin to move in and out, again very very slow and smooth, and that usually lasts for about another ten or twenty minutes. This is where the fluid usually starts to flow. Then I pull almost completely out and we are just barely connected by her lips and my head, with real slow, short strokes and she absolutely loves this. After that I get all the way back in and just lie real still, again with only enough movement to stay firm. One other thing, we don't talk at all. It seems like talking is a distraction for us.

(man to man) My first suggestion is to get a firm hold of your own orgasm and learn to stay away from ejaculation, period. Not an easy task for most men. I find its a strong statement to the feminine when you can hold your biological urges steady. It creates a space that the woman can expand into. Second, if you're going to direct the both of you to do the Exchanges and stay away from heating it up, then STICK TO IT. Hold steady, be the anchor, dont waver. Dont make excuses, just do it. If you want her to give you her feminine gifts, which all of us men want, then make sure you give your masculine gifts of direction and clarity of purpose. Don't let your male neediness run you around; it won't get you where you want to go.

To summarize: What I do is I keep to a 4-5-6 in a 1-10 scale, 10 being an orgasm. And I relax my pelvic floor, focusing my attention on that part of my penis where it starts, inside my body, the so-called "root" (and women have this too I think, in that they can learn to relax their pelvic floor and benefit tremendously from it during Karezza.)

(treehouse) This is red pill, blue pill situation. You can take the blue pill and get yourself all worked up, proudly rock hard, then enter your girl, pump like mad to make the tension go away as quick as you can, then fall back into a slumber. Rinse and repeat.

Or.. you can take the red pill, karezza. You do this not because you're aroused, but because it's a way to nurture your relationship. Here you gaze into her eyes, you holding her breast, she the base of your penis, get comfortable and relax like this for maybe 20 minutes. Scissors position is best. When she is ready, get her to gently rub some almond oil into her pubic area, and some on your penis. At this point, see if im wrong, some blood will start to flow into your penis. When its about 40-60% insert just the head, and take about 15 minutes to just slowly enter her, all the way, still keeping the eyes connected. Breath and relax without clutching your pelvic floor.

Allow both of your arousals to grow naturally. If you are too hard this will hurt her, she much prefers a 'snakey' penis. You want the tip of your penis to connect with her cervix, and your pubic bones to 'talk'. Move the bodies from time to time but not the penis or vagina, they stay pretty much glued. If one of you starts to wander off, a few little wriggles is enough to bring you back to focus.

As this is a different way to make love, just be aware that your combined self consciousness and past war wounds may make the first couple of times, let's say interesting. You may get all shy. You might actually fall asleep inside her. Believe me this happens, and is all part of a healing process. Try it and see how nice this is.

(Darryl)

My guide has been an activity level that doesn't end in orgasm or draw me in that direction, after that anything goes. I think it's the "draw me in that direction", that's really the guiding force.

Here's an analogy, I imagine a lake where the water is calm and still. Down one end is the outlet where the water leaves. The current flowing out here is strong and will easily pull you out of the lake. Out in the middle where the water is still you can sit in one spot, paddle in any direction with little effort, or let the wind slowly drift you around. On the other hand, when you get close to the outlet you have to watch the pull of the water flow so you don't get sucked down stream. If you hang out right in front of the outlet all your effort will be put into vigilance around not leaving the lake. To me this is an effort around "avoiding" something, to make sure something I don't want doesn't happen. I find this takes away the enjoyment of the lake.

With this said, there is an "activity" level at the outlet that can be fun to play with, provided its fun and playful, not struggle or work. Annabelle and I enjoy the current here, not to the point where we are fighting it, but rather playing with it. Feeling the increased current, being drawn in by it then peeling off into the eddies along the shore line. Watching the current pass under our boat, feeling it pull us and spin us around, then move out into the calmer water and feel the stillness. We like this "activity"

I also think playing where the current is strong requires more skill and experience if its going to be fun and playful rather than an experience of concentrated vigilance. When I first started it felt like I was in an inner tube where I could easily get sucked down stream with little control of my situation. Then I seemed to graduate to a canoe, and finally to a long sleek kayak where I can sit in a fairly strong current with little effort and just a few strokes of the paddle here and there.

In my opinion I think its best in the beginning to stay out in the middle of the lake where a couple can relax and drift and not need to "manage" their experience so much. Take some time to get the feel of the non-orgamic territory. If after a "getting used to it" period one feels drawn to the higher arousal of the stronger current, by all means go over there and play a bit. Find the balance of stillness and activity.

In the end, for us, it's really about connection. For whatever reason, maybe just for the play of it, we find the connection stronger closer to the stronger current. Go where you're drawn.... with awareness. Does it increase our connection or decrease it, that's our guide.

There is a form of play we sometimes enjoy when moving in the stronger current where I'm monitoring her arousal level and I take responsibility to keep her from going over the edge. This is a very sweet experience for the both of us as she gets to completely relax and let go into the experience without any self restraint and I get to drink in this extra level of her feminine openness and receptivity. It requires my complete focus on the subtlest of her signals, her breathing, her body language and movement. It's a wonderfully strong play between the masculine and feminine poles, to take and be taken. To be the pilot and take control with the direction to hold a space where she can float free in the liquid experience of receiving with no self monitoring. I don't know if I'm explaining it well and I think of it as a bit of a advanced karezza practice, but it's really quite sweet done right with love and deep affection.

(treehouse) First you have decide which you want. Once youv'e decided not to orgasm the rest is easy. All you have to do is relax. To be specific you have to relax the group of muscles in your pelvic floor. Start by relaxing all of them, and with time youll see which ones affect your excitement levels. Don't clench, keep breathing, and orgasm stays way away.

(Islander) I'm a Reiki master and my late husband was Reiki I. We loved doing full treatments on each other before making love -- such a balanced unconditional love came through with Reiki and we saw each other in higher ways than what regular "world" 3-D living can sort of mask sometimes.

(Clarity) A few weeks ago I experienced new levels of sexual bliss. He and I had been interested in each other for a year, but live far apart. We only see each other at an annual conference. He knew about my sexual practice and researched and read up on it. We very quickly found ourselves in bed and I moved into his hotel room with him. Even with all the other things we had to do, we spent five hours in connection over the course of two days. We both found in each other someone who was willing to try things nobody else had ever wanted to explore. He said all his previous lovers complained that he took too long, went too slow. He works with chi as an acupuncturist and chi gong instructor, so he already had experience with intentionally circulating energy. He also was familiar from chinese medicine with the idea that excessive orgasm could be a problem, although he himself has a couple orgasms a week. With such a present, willing partner, I began to get a glimpse of what this sexual practice could be. The connection of our hearts and the openness we felt were so thrilling. I felt high and shiny, blissful. On the third day he could barely touch me without risking orgasm, he felt so overstimulated. We were both feeling constantly high and distracted from the work we had to do at the conference. He wanted to come, just to get some relief. I went along with the plan, and had my first orgasms in 10 1/2 months. It was as if my body had forgotten how. They were ok, but nothing like they used to be. Immediately, the spell was broken, we got up from bed and got on with things. It was an enormous relief from the high energy state we had been in. I didn't feel all that insane. The next day he reserved us a hot tub and we practiced until my body completely remembered how to have earth shattering orgasms. Afterwards, I found some things he did a little bit annoying, but he was so sweet, we enjoyed our last few hours together.

(Post by husband in his 50s, recently remarried) This post will be at least a start of relating some of the highlights of what we have learned in our practice of karezza for the first 6 1/2 months of our karezza marriage.

After we had settled into our nice room where we spent our 3 day honeymoon, we took turns slowly "unwrapping" each other, kissing, and touching, and then we took a relaxing tub bath together. After that we took turns touching and looking over each other's bodies in the natural light. I then told her that she was very beautiful, and that her vagina and labia were also beautiful and looked like the petals of a flower. This was a miracle because, when we had talked a week or two before we were married, my beloved had voiced that she wanted us to make love under the covers and in the dark. I simply voiced that I would like to make love openly and in the daylight or with the lights on. And then we prayed that we would be brought into harmony on this question. Fast-forward to us walking into the room with our bags with her walking ahead of me. We were both immediately pleased with everything about the room, and all her reservations about me seeing her body, and us making love in the light, were swept away in an instant. What a pivotal moment !!

When we first attempted intercourse, we used some walnut oil for lublication and I was soft. My beloved laid on the bed with her back flat and straight, and when I saw how low her vaginal entrance was, I suggested that we try connecting with her legs straight up in the air. I was upright on my knees and moved in close to her. By pressing her feet and calves against my chest and shoulders she was able to arch and raise her bottom so that her vagina and my penis were in perfect alignment with each other. I then asked her to part her "flower" for me as I slowly and gently and easily inserted just the head of my penis inside her. With that first small step she had (on a scale of one to ten) level 5 pain in the entrance to her vagina. I asked her to tell me if she wanted me to withdraw. She wanted to hang in there, and let our genitals talk to each other, while we both remained perfectly still. Within 5 to 10 minutes the pain had diminished to about 3 and remained at that level, and after another 5 minutes or so I withdrew. We then spoke about what we had learned, cuddled, put our chests together for a short time, and then had some light refreshments.

A couple of hours later we joined together again in the same way, but her initial pain this time was less, and the duration of the pain was also slightly less. Later that evening we joined together in the scissors position and fell asleep for a couple of hours. We were both very encouraged by the immediate, small incremental improvements, and we felt that the more time that we had my penis in her vagina the sooner our bodies would be completely at peace with each other.

Within 24 hours, (after joining together 5 or 6 times) I was able to enter her exactly like I did the first time with her having only slight pain for a moment or two, and then no pain at all as long as I remained perfectly still. She still had some slight pain or discomfort (a 1 or 2) if I moved at all inside her vagina. We had absolutely no agenda, and I made sure in advance that my beloved did not feel under any pressure to perform. I had assured her two or three times, (before we were married) that if we simply held each other in our arms for our entire honeymoon because she was not ready or able to make love yet, that it would be ok. That assurance helped her a lot. When we went home three days later, we were both very happy with the progress we had made together, and the confidence in our future happiness that we had both gained.

The second night of our honeymoon we again fell asleep joined together in the scissors position. After an hour or so, I woke up suddenly with her pulling violently away from me because of the very severe pain from a firm erection I had inside her. Later the next morning, as we talked more about what had happened, I had complete clarity that her severe vaginal pain was from her past, and was not from anything I had done in the moment. My penis was simply responding to her female polarity when it became erect in her vagina while we were both asleep. (I wasn't moving at all) At first she had a bit of trouble understanding what was going on, (generally it's much easier to focus on and blame whatever's going on in the moment) but she saw it more and more clearly that the pain was from her past as we talked and reasoned it out.

Our honeymoon consisted of four primary activities: lovemaking, taking nourishment, going for pleasant walks in the surrounding area as we talked about what we were experiencing and learning, and sleep whenever we wanted for however long or short we wanted. The first three days of our marriage was everything that both of us wanted and hoped it would be. The motel we stayed at was within 10 miles of home, nobody else knew where we were, and we were able to lock the world outside while we learned to make love to each other in a safe, comfortable, and very pleasant environment. It will also be very easy to return to the same motel and room on our anniversary if we choose.

After reading Diana Richardson's books we decided to always use the words "penis" and "vagina" when referring to our sex organs because we can say either of those words 100 times in a row without it sounding goofy. Once in a great while we will refer to my "wand of light" or her "sacred space", but most of the time we use "penis" or "vagina". Once in a while my beloved will say "the vagina" when referring to herself instead of "my vagina" and I'll reply with "Who's vagina are we talking about?", she'll correct herself and refer to "her vagina", and we'll have a good chuckle between us.

Before marriage, we had hours and hours of spooning with her legs resting on mine. It was pure bliss for both of us. We still enjoy spooning because we have so much positive history with it, but I did not really think much about spooning with intercourse because for the first 2 or 3 months virtually all my entries were soft. (and I thought - mistakenly - that rear entry while spooning was impossible, or next to impossible, without a firm erection).

One morning 2 or 3 months ago, I woke up with a partial or full erection, my beloved was lubricated from our earlier lovemaking, I asked her if we could join together, she placed "the little man with the helmet on" at her entrance, and with very little effort I was "in". I was (and still am) absolutely amazed at how easy it was (and is) for us to "plug in" this way. I've also been totally amazed by how much pleasure is possible for both of us without me having a full erection, and also how easy it is for my soft or semi-soft penis to slide around in her lubricated vagina.

We are both completely relaxed while spooning, and the sensations from our slow gentle movements and pauses are amazing. If one of us wakes at 4-4:30am, we will often turn toward and gently wake the other, and put our chests together for a short time to wake up our polarities, we'll fall asleep this way, I'll wake up with an erection, and then she'll turn back over on her other side, and we'll join together as spoons. On a few different mornings I have had just the very start of an erection, my beloved has placed the head of my penis right at her entrance, I made a little flick with my hips, and I was "in". While we are joined, I will often move my free hand slowly all over her body with feather-light touch and it really helps her energy to move freely all over her body. I know from previous experience that regular rear entry sex can very quickly lead to orgasm. When we spoon I do have to use more discipline to resist the old impulses to thrust, and more discipline and focus to keep moving my energy up frequently, in order to not get too close to orgasm -- but the benefits we both enjoy with this very satisfying position make it well worth any extra effort.

The pain and trauma that my beloved has stored in her body generally and especially in her vagina (much of it for decades) is now being released and healed by our gentle lovemaking. 30 years ago she spent a few hours of her honeymoon in the emergency room due to severe pain. (possibly semen allergy, or honeymoon cystitis, mixed with some deep fears she had of the unknown about sex) She spent the better part of two decades with a man who was often insensitive, ejaculated quickly, and fell off to sleep after he was done, while she went and sat in a tub of warm water to relieve her pain. To try to cope, she would stay late at work, do other things away from home, and let him have sex as infrequently as possible. She was on tamoxifen for two years which caused her severe vaginal dryness and irritation. She once had a medical device inserted in her vagina to take pictures of the walls of her vagina and she recalls clearly that the pain associated with that procedure was "off the chart". (level 10 or over) The medical assistant commented that that was not "normal" for her to be in that much pain, but didn't make any suggestion of where to seek help.

Before we met it was painful for her to even touch herself on any part of her vagina or labia. Bathing with warm water alone produced level 5 pain, and the pain was increased to level 6-8 with a quality hand-made soap. She remembered that at some point after we started spooning without intercourse (during our 2 year long courtship), her pain while bathing was reduced to level 3 pain with warm water alone, and the pain was increased to level 4-5 with a quality hand-made soap. A month or so before we married, she propped herself up-side-down against a wall and poured some walnut oil into her vagina because we planned to use
that as a lubricant on our honeymoon -- it felt very good to her and she had NO negative reaction. As her vaginal pain has lessened during lovemaking, it has likewise lessened during bathing when she touches her vagina and labia. She now has NO pain in bathing or lovemaking and lovemaking is more and more
pleasurable to her. And I am becoming more and more sensitive in my penis and I can often sense her mood and/or energy level from the vibrations I recieve from her vagina.

My beloved has told me that when we spoon, if I gently move once or twice, and then remain still, that she has bursts of energy from her vagina that travel all over her body. This is now happening to the lady who had faith in me and my tenderness 6 1/2 short months ago, and pushed through her level 5 pain so that together we could help each other, step by step, get to where we are today.

I have ejaculated 7 or 8 times since our wedding - none of them were intentional. We made love every day for 5 weeks before my first inadvertant ejaculation. I have only ejaculated twice inside my beloved's vagina. The first time she had NO noticable reaction, the second time she had a slight burning sensation in her vaginal area, and her focus and energy level that day was less than usual. So we are especially thankful for a knowledge of Karezza. I will share a few more comments and observations on ejaculation in a future post.

My darling wife, the woman who has been through all of the above, is the same woman who now frequently asks me for PIV and asks if I am going to bed with her so we can fall asleep joined together in the scissors position. It is always a pleasure to respond to her lovemaking requests. She just as eagerly responds to mine. We remain open in heart and mind to whatever the future holds for us on our karezza journey together.

Time is the surest method. Women often seem to need longer than men to feel back in balance (if they notice a connection at all), but members of both sexes have occasionally reported recovery times of up to 15 days. Some people feel the effects for a shorter time, of course. And most people have both good and bad days during the cycle.

Learn how long the return to balance takes you, and it will help you be less reactive. You may find that the more consistent you are with karezza, the less fallout you experience. On the other hand, some people feel like hangovers sometimes gets worse...or perhaps just more noticeable, because their sense of wellbeing is so much stronger that they really notice any ripples.

This man reported his method for minimizing neurochemical ripples after inadvertent ejaculation:

(blissed) After one or two of my ejaculations (in 6.5 months) I felt a touch off balance, but the rest of the times I didn't notice much of anything at all -- either physically or emotionally. And each time I've tried to be especially open to and aware of any symptoms at all that I might see.

I think the main reason for very few ripples of any duration is because, after each ejaculation, to whatever degree possible, I have worked (with my darling wife) toward immediately minimizing the effects.

For example, one of my ejaculations happened on a work day about an hour before the alarm was due to go off. I went and washed up, came right back to bed, and put my chest together with my beloved's chest for 20 to 30 minutes and I could feel my energy and emotions come back into balance enough that I had an uneventful day at work and happy evening at home. When I had another ejaculation on a weekend morning, I went in and washed up, came right back to bed, and joined together scissors with my beloved until I felt better. We made love again later that day, and again early the next morning, and within 24 hours of the ejaculation I felt absolutely 100% and on top of the world physically and emotionally.

I also take the best male nutritional supplement that I'm aware of, to minimize the work my body has to do to replace and assimilate the nutrients I've lost in the ejaculation.

I think my beloved's support and acceptance of my not trying to ejaculate is important. Her love, support, and acceptance in helping me to come back into balance after an ejaculation also seems to make a big difference for me.

I would be happy to go the rest of my life without an ejaculation. But if I inadvertantly have one, I will use the tools I have to minimize the damage and get back to balance.

I like the analogy of the fire extinguisher beside the cook stove -- you hope you never have to use it, but if you do, it's there to help minimize any potential damage.

(clarity) You mentioned several months ago that one of the toughest times for you back then was at night, in bed, right before falling asleep. That was the hardest time for me at first, too. Then I started to just go with it, and go ahead and fantasize, but keep it calm. Sometimes basically a karezza fantasy, sometimes a full on energy circulation meditation. Now that it's been over a year, it's where my mind goes automatically. I don't have to try anymore, I can just relax and feel like I am indulging myself, yet I stay safely calm.

Karezza works best with female condoms. They can be ordered here: http://www.undercovercondoms.com/

Forum members give condom advice:

(Rachel) My lover and I used the female condoms early in our relationship and I think they would work well for karezza~~we made inserting it part of the fun (I let him do it as he has really long fingers)~~you will probably laugh at first because they are so different, but they work well and no worries about whether you have an erection or not!

(Clarity) I like the female condoms a lot, too. I've never liked the way male condoms feel like a one way trip, like once you get started you've got to keep going.

(emerson)  Condoms are okay - even the male kind. If you have to use them, they're allright. They do require adjustments/worry and sometimes new installation of a fresh one now and then. There is a scale of arousal, from 0 to 10, with 10 being orgasm. Condoms only work if you are a 4,5,6 or higher...so you have to be hard and stay kinda hard.

(freedom) We’ve tried male and female condoms. We’ve also tried Trojan Natural Lamb. We’d rank the lambskin above the female condom. Although the female condom might be better for karezza in terms of erection strength not being as much of an issue, the lambskin ones feel better for both of us. The lambskin ones seem to allow for greater energy transfer. We find synthetic condoms feel like rubber bands, which can push us toward O territory. That doesn’t seem to happen with the lambskin based upon our early trials. You need to hold the lambskin condom on when you withdraw. NOTE: lambskin condoms do not protect against STDs.

Natural Lamb condoms aren’t cheap. The best deal we’ve tracked down is through Bed, Bath and Beyond if your local store carries the 10 pack and you use the abundant 20% off coupons.

While we’re on birth control topic, we also use a diaphragm with Contragel. Contragel isn’t available in the US, but you can order it from some places online. It’s cheapest in Germany if you live there or happen to be there. It’s lactic acid based and smells like cookies.

The Exchanges in Cupid can help get around the following challenge because they "pace" the transition. A Cupid reader reported:

This past weekend we just kind of lost it and spent 9 hours total making love, no orgasm, but lots of edging. It was awesome but left us both exhausted due to sleep deprivation. I felt jumpy and anxious, like having had too much coffee. So we cooled it down for the last couple of days. Then this morning we woke up and started getting heated, just some kissing, and breast touching/kissing. FIRE!!! It's crazy, we can't keep our hands off each other.

I don't like this! I feel extremely aroused and loving toward my wife, but jittery. There is defnitely sexual tension that is causing discomfort. My wife feels the same, as she has recently decided to join me to go to 30 days without O. But this morning she says to me that she wants me badly but we'd better set some boundaries like no hugging in bed, as that just opens the box. I completely agree with her. But I find this really frustrating. What is happening is that we're getting so charged up for each other that it seems the only way to control it is to keep our hands off each other. We can't lie down and kiss or that will lead to more. Can't hug in bed or that will lead to more. Probably can't even snuggle on the sofa as that will lead to more. I love snuggling and being close, but it seems so difficult to just do this without it leading to more. And I'm afraid that my wife will pull away and we will be less affectionate in order to gaurd against the raging fire that always seems to be smoldering. I'd love to engage in more bonding behaviors, but it seems like we can't do that without getting out of hand. Which leads to further feelings of neediness and longing because I'm not getting the affection I crave. And then the feelings of needing affection get blended in with the feelings of sexual desire.

If edging really does cause these feelings i would definately caution people against it, or at least to be aware of it and experiment with cause/effect. For me, I feel like it actually raises my anxiety and stress. Sure, it's exciting, but very taxing on the body and central nervous & immune systems and does not feel right.

Another guy answered:

(Marnia) Suggestion: Definitely don't avoid doing some bonding behavior before sleeping. Try one without kissing, such as

1. placing a soothing palm over each others genitals. This may increase arousal at first, but then things calm down leaving a nice glow, or
2. spooning with as much stillness as you can muster.

This jittery tension has been reported by others and it does seem to be related by going too close to The Edge for too long and then stopping. It will pass if you don't keep stoking the fires. You might try cold water (or a cold, wet towel) on the genitals if you overheat.

I was a prisoner of the PMO cycle, and I came across nofap when I started having ED problems in bed. To make things extra stressful, my wife and I were trying to have kids. Not having sex was not an option and I needed to change. When I began nofap, I struggled to just get it up with my wife, or maintain an erection long enough to orgasm...now, when my wife is ovulating, I have sex about just about every day for the entire week...those of you who have been in a relationship with the same woman for about 10 years know that's impressive. On top of everything, the sex is much more enjoyable for both of us.

Again, for more details on my journey, please ready my older posts and reports. Since this will be my last post, I want to give you guys a few tips that really helped me get to where I am:

1) Meditation - Set aside as little as 5 minutes a day (morning works best for me) to slow things down and find inner peace. Make sure you are meditating in a room where you will not be disturbed. Even if you are, it's not the ned of the world...just continue to relax. Focus on your breath and try to empty your mind of everything else. It may be difficult at first, but you will get better. I typically wake up 10-15 minutes before my wife to get in my daily meditation. If I have an opportunity to do meditate in the afternoon, it's a bonus. There is a good deal of information on the internet that can help you get into meditation.

2) Diet - Eating clean and healthy made a big difference for me. I focus on making raw, uncooked fruits, vegetables and nuts the main staple of my diet. I eat meat, but I try to consume very little throughout the week. I saw the biggest difference when I switched to a gluten-free diet. I know many people have no problems with gluten and if that's the case, eating cleaner will probably do you just fine. For me, cutting it out of my diet was HUGE. This change resulted in increased energy, greater focus and the loss of about 10 pounds in the first two weeks. It's a pain in the ass since you have to say no to bread, pasta and beer. Gluten is also in many processed foods, but it's worth it. Again, there's a ton of information on the internet about going gluten-free.

3) Sex Without Orgasm - I now practice Karezza with my wife. That means I have sex but I do not orgasm. You are essentially "edging" with your partner. A lot of men think this is crazy, but if you try it you will find it to be very satisfying. You gain an increased desire for your partner, have more energy (just think how you feel after you cum!) and just feel better about yourself. As I mentioned above, when my wife is ovulating, we have sex every day and in that period I am cumming every day. I am absolutely DRAINED after that week and need a few days to recuperate. This is essentially a Sexual Hack...use it to your advantage.

4) Read This Book - The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity by Daniel Reid. All that time you would have spent masturbating can be used to improve yourself and get a better understanding of your body. The book is not religious and more of a practical guide to improve your health, life and sex. It was written by a westerner for a western reader. Many of the things I read are techniques talked about on these discussion boards to help guys get their regain their libido and erection strength...meditation, breathing exercises, kegles, abstaining from fantasizing about sex/women, diet, semen retention, etc...are all covered and discussed at length.

I wish you all luck.

180 Day Report...My Last Report by KSunrise01

Apple founder Steve Jobs wanted to indulge in tantric sex in his garden shed, new book by his ex-girlfriend Chrisann Brennan claims

Before his rise to international acclaim the couple "shared nights of lovemaking so profound that, astonishingly, some fifteen years later, he called me out of the blue to thank me," she claimed.  Photo: GETTY IMAGES

Steve Jobs asked his first girlfriend to "make tantric love with him in his garden shed" after returning from a transformational visit to India in the 1970s, she has claimed.

Chrisann Brennan said in a new memoir that she enjoyed "profound" nights of passion with the late Apple founder during a relationship after they met at school in California.

However after a trip to India in 1974, he developed a sexist attitude and "started to reject the feminine aspect as inferior to the glorious masculine", she wrote.

"It all broke open between us when he asked if I would make tantric love with him in his garden shed," said Ms Brennan. She felt neither was spiritually prepared and "the only word I had was an emphatic 'no'".

In 'The Bite In The Apple', Ms Brennan, now a graphic designer living in Monterey, California, sheds new light on the life of the visionary billionaire who died from cancer in 2011 at the age of 56.

Before his rise to international acclaim the couple "shared nights of lovemaking so profound that, astonishingly, some fifteen years later, he called me out of the blue to thank me," she claimed.

However, she added that Jobs was so concerned about saving his "energy for work" and "conserving one's vital energies" that he typically preferred not to climax.

In extracts previously published in The New York Post, Brennan disclosed that Jobs believed he had served as a Second World War fighter pilot in a previous life.

He also encouraged her to engage in "primal screams" of "Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy" after they took the psychedelic drug LSD together, she wrote.

Brennan and Jobs were living together when he co-founded Apple from a garage in California.

However "as Apple grew, so did Steve's sense of self-entitlement; in parallel they both seemed to take on lives of their own," she wrote in her memoir.

He eventually ended the on-off five-year relationship when Brennan became pregnant with a daughter, Lisa, whose paternity he long denied.

After he acknowledged paternity years later, he forged a close relationship with his daughter and she lived with him as a teenager. He paid for her to attend Harvard university and she is now a magazine writer.

Jobs, who left an estimated fortune of $8 billion (£4.95 billion), married Laurene Powell in 1991. The couple had three children together.

Original article

"Karezza" is a term coined over a century ago, and several old books discuss it. It can be interesting and enlightening to read what others had to say about it, or similar practices. Click the "WISDOM tab at the top of the page and explore some of the links in the lefthand margin.

Here's one visitor's "Recommended Reading" list:

(thegentlevegan) Let me say briefly which books and articles about Karezza I have been reading that have been ultimately helpful for our experience:

(emerson) I know this is difficult, but it's a romantic fantasy that people are going to "get" this up front. However, once you practice this sex with them, even if they are not, the magic happens. This is my preferred recommendation these days. Open mindedness happens when you are the example. Expecting to find someone already into this is like impossible. But someone receptive...well that's different.
I was watching a show from the UK called Fleabag, episode 2, and it actually addresses Karezza and lovemaking versus "fucking"...first time I've seen someone in a show get this right and address the issue. Point is, though, that you first meet someone, then you have sex, and you don't orgasm, and they get intrigued, and things evolve. That's how I see it. Anything else is doomed.

The worst way to explain it to a man is to say "it's like sex but you don't have an orgasm." Who wants that???? I also don't like the "affectionate gentle intercourse" angle, as that never seemed appealing when I was on the dopamine train. But if you say "you prolong sex, have lots of sexual intercourse, and delay your ejaculation for a long time and sometimes don't even bother ejaculating so you are always ready...and you get this amazing sensitivity and pleasure throughout your whole body" that can sell guys. Or at least the right guys.

(sender) It's a paradigm shift which implies that some people won't understand it just by explaining it using words, no matter how hard you try. Words typically only mean something when they describe an experience that's similar to one we've already had. Karezza is not like any experience I had had before, so I would not have understood it from words alone. In fact, the only reason I was even interested in trying Karezza was as a solution to the problem of how to continue to have sex with my wife while successfully rebooting from porn. Even then, I thought the idea of sex minus the orgasm was nuts, but I was determined to be rid of porn and wasn't excited about the prospect of 3 months without any sexual connection, so I was willing to give it a try. So although I did try it (and have not looked back since), my reasons were still largely selfish at that time. I expected Karezza to be this technique I could use to get by for a few months while I was recovering from PIED. Imagine my surprise when we discovered it was so much more than that!

NEWSFLASH: "Slow Sex" Film is a good way to introduce a partner to the concept of karezza-style sex

(Imnot - female) Last week I went out with a guy and I ended up talking to him about <em>Cupid's Poisoned Arrow</em> on the phone last night. He seemed smart and open-minded so I was comfortable talking about it. He was curious about it and ordered the book. The way I phrased it was that I tend to experiment with unconventional solutions, and this is the next experiment I want to do. That way I didn't have to sound like I was propositioning him, or delivering a premature ultimatum, especially since I'm not sure if there are serious feelings on either side.

If you write a profile on a dating site, it may help to say that you are coming out of an abusive relationship and you don't even want to think about sex for a while. But you may be interested in sex in the future, when the right guy comes along and you have had a chance to recover. That should discourage those who just want to have sex, without discouraging those who might actually be good long-term relationship material.

(Clarity) I have been on okcupid for a month or two and going on a lot of dates. I put a link to this site on my profile, partly to let potential dates know what they are in for, and partly to spread the word, even to people who aren't interested in me. I've gotten several messages from men just thanking me for letting them know about it. I've met several interesting men on there and am seeing a few of them. One in particular, though, is especially exciting to me right now. He is so intrigued by my sexual practice that he has stopped having orgasms. He's gotten through a week so far and seems really invested in giving this a real try. He's actually enjoying the build up of energy from quitting orgasm, not annoyed with it at all. And, like me, he is someone who loves sex and sensuality and savors the idea of hours and hours of slow, quiet breathing together.

One guy tried a Craigslist ad:

Have you come across the practice of Karezza? Karezza is a form of intercourse that emphasizes affection while staying far from the edge of orgasm. Climax is not the goal and ideally does not occur while making love for the man. [Actually, karezza's goal apply to both partners.]

Another Craigslist ad: Karezza (Montreal)

Corps : athletic Hauteur : 6'0" (182cm), age: 31

I am looking to explore a form of relationship called Karezza. Karezza is an ancient form of relationship union that is being revived by an author called Marnia Robinson in a book called Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. It's based on the idea that the typical way of sexual relationship leads to habituation between partners and inevitably leads to seperation due to our innate biological mating programs that steer us toward new partners. Karezza offers a different approach that focuses on bonding between lovers rather than overstimulation and orgasm.

Does anyone practice it? I am looking for a partner to explore with. A little about me,...

(Imnot - female) Last week I went out with a guy and I ended up talking to him about Cupid's Poisoned Arrow on the phone last night. He seemed smart and open-minded so I was comfortable talking about it. He was curious about it and ordered the book. The way I phrased it was that I tend to experiment with unconventional solutions, and this is the next experiment I want to do. That way I didn't have to sound like I was propositioning him, or delivering a premature ultimatum, especially since I'm not sure if there are serious feelings on either side. My perspective about men is somewhat different since I started this. My old reference points are less of a guide for me and I don't have such specific predictions about how things will play out (fall apart) according to the patterns I had noticed before. Before I felt like I had to find someone overwhelmingly compelling because whatever I felt for him at the beginning would be diminished as the relationship progressed. Now I feel like there are so many more options because I see how the initial chemistry is just a starting point. Things could develop and improve from there. Here's some of what I've learned:

• Communicate that karezza doesn't easily coexist with conventional sex, so he'll be motivated to find out what karezza entails.
• Have a book to loan him.
• Prolonging sexual tension is no fun when I'm not masturbating, it's uncomfortable. Making out soon is good because it soothes my tension, but the diverging point comes up pretty quickly and by that point I would want the guy to understand that I'm looking for a really different thing sexually.
• Richardson's book and Bass's book might be better for getting someone interested, while Marnia's book is better for showing why I made the decision. Focus on the positive aspects of karezza even though I based my decision on the negative aspects of conventional sex.

(Hanami99 - female) I would talk to my lover as we got close enough. I have to know him well. Then I will tell him that I need to trust that a man will hold me in his arms and gently make love to me with lots of kissing and eye contact. Only then can I give myself to him completely. My experience has been that a man is very moved by these words. If he can't maintain this kind of loving, I call it creative differences and move on.

You should speak from your own heart. I think when you can find your own words, this loving will be yours. You yourself have to be capable of letting someone love you only like this.

Men cut way back on the orgasms when they realize they're not tired and they can make love A LOT more.

(sender - male) Unfortunately, it might be [extremely] hard to find a guy who's already on this path. I've been in a men's group for almost 20 years; these are guys who work on themselves at a deep level, and I wasn't able to convince a single one of them to try it with their women. Some of them are aware of Taoist sexual practices (like Mantak Chia). Not even my testimonials regarding the amazing benefits in my own marriage was sufficient to persuade them. Not one of them is happy with their marriage, and yet they aren't willing to change this one simple thing for a few weeks just to see if it might in fact be the missing "secret sauce". Without exception, they all say, "no, it's not that, it's all these other things that are her fault...". Fascinating. That can only mean one thing: orgasm-attachment is strong.

I must admit, when I first read about Karezza (in the context of rebooting from porn addiction), I thought the whole idea was crazy. I only tried it because I wanted to recover from porn addiction and my ED symptoms caused by it without giving up sex with my wife. Karezza was the way to do that; otherwise, I might never have tried it. It's a significant paradigm shift, which means it can't be understood intellectually - you have to see it for yourself from experience. But it's really hard to persuade someone to try it without already having had the experience...so it's a chicken and egg problem.

Maybe instead of focusing so much on the man's orgasmic behavior, you could try to focus instead on the downstream effects you're looking to cultivate (e.g. feeling connected, loving, sustainable sexual energy, etc.) and only after you are both invested in the relationship, then you begin to explain about the Coolidge Effect, CPA, etc.

(strawberry field - Female) - [Writing about what felt like transformational sex with her boyfriend who has been inconsistent in his enthusiasm for karezza) What was different?
First of all I was in a completely self-assured mood, I was very sure about my leadership-qualities and therefore lead him without forcing or urging anything. In general it felt like it wasn´t my conscious will that lead us both - it was more like following my intuition. Something inside of me just knew what would be our next step and I let it guide him as well as me. I did not have much to do, I kept my focus at present, I relaxed and enjoyed. Like Osho says somewhere: The sex just happened.

Also my boyfriends appearance seemed very "real"...I focused on him, so I could be together with him for real and it worked. In general, everything seemed very real as if I was closer to reality...sometimes it was so close that it seemed to go into reverse and even felt unreal...very much reality seems unreal, well, that´s interesting, lol.

One moment I had to calm him down but I felt quite comfortable with telling him to slow down. I just told him I wanted to enjoy the slow sex a little longer and that I could feel him more intensive inside me when he goes slow. There was nothing hidden going on with that simple request, no fear of being rejected or demanding too much or anything, it was just the direct expression of a true wish. And because (I guess it´s because) it came directly from me to him without using any detours (manipulation, forcing etc) it must have been easy for him to meet my desire. So we had a wonderful time prolonged.

There were new ideas of sex-positions and how to be caressive appearing "out of nowhere" during intercourse, I guess because of the high level of intuition. But most impressive was that I felt so very self-assured...I wouldn´t say without doubts but there were not many of them. No stupid questions in my mind like "is it right this way or should I do it that way...what if he didn´t like it...what if it´s not enough karezza-style...blah..."
It´great to be without stupid questions during intercourse! The following intercourses were similar to this experience, so I was happy it wasn´t only a moment of joy but could have the meaning that a real transformation is going on. I am not expecting too much but will try to lead him as I did. I think I might have learned the difference between leading and forcing...maybe I have claimed this a few times before, but this time it´s not coming from my head but from my soul...I´ve experienced it directly through my body and didn´t just deduce it with my rationality. I guess experience is the only way to understand truly what good slow sex means but we discuss it anyway...which is good because one gets more and more a feel for the whole idea...so I share it.

Discussing sex is mostly not very helpful, it´s exhausting and often annoying - so if you have other opportunities you should use them. Let things work at another level. I think training intuition is helpful in that matter.

(Darryl) If I were to give fellow men advice around introducing karezza to a new lover, it would be this. First and foremost, do it for yourself. Make it your direction, your commitment to you. I'd do it by example. I can easily see how a woman could look at karezza as one more hare-brained male idea. Don't get me wrong, I would definitely and enthusiastically share with your new woman the virtues of non-orgasmic lovemaking. Give her the book and a link to this web site, and then drop it, unless she asks you for more. Believe me, your "doing by example" will mean way more to her than anything you say.

The way I handled not orgasming, was simply to say "stop" or "slow down" when I was too close to the edge. Sometimes I would just signal with my hands on her hips. The key is that your girl honors your wishes not to orgasm, and will stop when you need it. It's to her benefit, as you can go on much longer, are almost always ready for her, and your sexual sensitivity increase, all good things for the woman. Also, the more you don't orgasm the easier it gets not to.

Now if you just happen to meet a woman who gets right on board with you, then you'll know you're one lucky man. If not, let patience be your way. I strongly believe that karezza style lovemaking is naturally the feminine way, in the feminine flow, and she will respond. You just may need to enlist her support around the "stop" thing in the beginning. You could tell her it's something that's important to you and that her satisfaction is just as important as well, so, "Let's work together." If I had to do it all over again knowing what I know now, I'd do it basically the same way - with the addition of sharing the karezza information and sources to read. To be quite honest she'd follow me anyway.

Wouldn't it be great to start a new relationship DEMONSTRATING that your direction is sound? (advice to another guy) I remember when I first slept with the woman who would become my wife. We just cuddled together naked for at least two or three nights before we had intercourse. This was quite unusual for me, with previous girl friends, when the clothes came off we had sex. I think it really set the tone for our future together. I had actually forgotten we had done this together until a year ago, many years after we were engaging in karezza sex. You may want to try some bonding behavior like this the first time you're naked together. You could say something like, "Lets just hold each other. I want to really feel who you are this time." When you do engage sexually you could say, "I really like to go slow so I can drink in your feminine beauty." That will really get her attention. If she starts to speed it up, say,"Slow down I want to savor you," and then wrap you arms around her firmly.

Believe me, you can set the tone. Find me a woman who doesn't want to be savored and have her feminine beauty adored. Once she gets the sense of how you behave with her then you can introduce the concept of karezza. Actions always speak louder than words and a conversation about karezza can scare a potiential partner. Show her first with your body. It also shows her you're a man with a direction and purpose. Women love male clarity when it comes from the heart. Make a commitment to your journey and you will find a woman who will share your vision.

In my opinion your challenge is to be able to stay cool during lovemaking with a new woman when you haven't had any karezza practice with a partner. You may want to consider some solo sexual cultivation to get at least some feel of sexual arousal that doesn't lead to orgasm. It will help to retrain your brain a little bit, showing you that sexual arousal doesn't alway have to end in orgasm.

(To a woman) If I were a woman looking for a guy who would be open to non-orgasmic lovemaking I'd want two qualities. First, that he demonstrates, in some way, his capacity for direction in his life. Making the choice to give up orgasming, and then following through with it, is no easy task for a guy. He'll have to be determined to do it, and at its core it will have to be his decision for himself first. If he does it just for you it won't ring true. Second, he'll need to show he's open to feminine wisdom. Male direction is great, but without feminine wisdom a guy is only partially on track. Feminine wisdom brings depth and fullness to a guy's direction. A number of major things in our lives were instigated by my wife. The funny part was that I thought some of them were my idea's until she pointed that they were hers, and that I implemented them. How deflating!! Somehow I forgot that part.

If you explain karezza to your potential partner and he says, "Tell me more" you probably have a keeper. It says he's open to you and your feminine perspective. If he immediately contracts, and gives you an "I don't know" look or answer, then you may have an uphill battle on your hands.

From being a guy and knowing them pretty well, I can say that giving up orgasm is one tough sell for the male psyche. So you might want to ask him to think on it and give him some information to read, like the Wisdom page on this website. If, when you see him again, after he's had some time to chew on it, and he's still locked down about it, I would move on. Do you really want a guy who, right from the beginning, can't hold space for what's important to you? Look for the guy who says, "Tell me more." He's your man. You mention something about a guy who may practice karezza with you but isn't a good fit, and wondering how it might end. I think it would end because it wasn't a good fit. I don't believe karezza would save a relationship that's not a good match but I do believe karezza can bring harmony to one that is solid but floundering.

(Telepathy) I mention karezza in my OKCupid profile. And I am a man. As someone interested in karezza I would be overjoyed to find another person interested in it. Karezza obviously shows a high level of seriousness in a person. That is what I am seeking, and the only thing I will accept. If someone is too immature to speak about (or contemplate) non-orgasmic sex they are probably not a suitable partner for me. Isn't it strange that we supposedly live in a sexually liberated culture, but we feel we can't even talk about sex openly with the person we will be having it with beforehand?

(lucky) Speaking from my experience, my partner brought up karezza very early on when I initially broached the topic of sexuality. I had never heard of it before, but I was very intrigued by the practice and the fact that he had a different view on sex made him all the more interesting to me.

(Rachel) (Advice to forum member) I understand how hard it is for your lover to understand why you don't want to have orgasmic sex anymore. Men can get very attached to seeing their women orgasm, as can women when it comes to a man's ejaculation. However, in the end, it is *your* body, and you have the final word as to what you do with it. No one can make you have an orgasm. (I know it *feels* like someone can make you have one, but in reality, it's your own mind that leads you to it) So if you want to try making love without it, then that is entirely up to you. It's hard mental work if someone insists on trying to make you have one--so you might need to have a discussion about that. But on the other hand, it's also *his* body, and if he wishes to have an orgasm, that is his prerogative. I don't see karezza as an "all or nothing" situation.

The beauty of karezza is the *way* you make love. It allows you to open up to him sexually as never before. As you continue to get greater and greater satisfaction through lovemaking, the more you will want to do it. Where it becomes a partnership is when you are able to trust him enough to open up to him fully (physically and through your heart), and he is trustworthy enough to go slow and not hurt you by bruising your cervix. Once he has been invited into your deepest space, he won't want to have the door closed on him again. The tricky part is finding out whether he would like to try to make love this way. Once he has given it an extended try, I think he will really start to love it (but no guarantees! I don't think everyone is at a point where they are ready for it). In my own relationship, I would rather not have orgasms. I get sad and a bit off-kilter when I have them.

But sometimes, after many hours and days of making slow love, my beloved consciously decides to have one at the end of our time together. That his choice. Because he doesn't seem to suffer after-effects, it's something he might do occasionally. (I have yet to ever feel that he withdraws from me emotionally, etc., but perhaps that is because we have spent so much time in closeness of our souls and hearts.) His orgasm does not negate the beauty of our lovemaking or our time together! I was also in a marriage for 22 years~~and one of the first things I promised myself after my divorce is that I would never again try to be someone I'm not just to please another person. So if that means I want to be an orgasm-shunning woman, then so be it! And if my lover decides he'd rather be with someone to whom he can give orgasms, then so be it, too! But I think he's pretty much forgotten about the whole "make her cum" thing, lol, thank goodness!

(Marnia) My thought, for what it's worth, is that there's no "right" way. Trust your intuition. Some people click with the science; some with the ancient wisdom; some with your own story, etc. No one clicks with having the information shoved down their throats. If people are meant to hear this, they often give you an opening that makes it clear what approach would work best. For example, they may say they are discouraged about relationships. Well...that's your cue to tune up about why you're now feeling more optimistic, and that you're looking forward to testing this "crazy theory" for yourself someday. Or they may say something about why humans can't be monogamous...and you share about the Coolidge Effect and bonding behaviors, etc. Or they may mention tantra, and you talk about some of the other traditions that have made similar discoveries. Or they may mention past relationship troubles, and you could ask if they ever noticed things started going of course after the "honeymoon stage" --even if they had a good physical relationship. Or if they started to drive each other crazy. If they say "yes," you can mention that you just started reading a good book about that and it talks about the biology of relationships. If they're curious, lend them the book. One person suggested testing how open a perspective partner might be by talking about yoga, chi energy, chinese medicine, etc. and gauging the reaction. A male friend says he has taught karezza to a new lover with his body alone:

When I engage I keep it slow. I make sure I don't orgasm. If she wants to, that's her business, I don't preach. Because I've been being non-orgasmic for a long time, it's not difficult to manage my own arousal, even with someone who focuses on stimulation and orgasm. It's not that hard to keep a partner in the middle zone when you know what you're doing. I would say I put out an energy of, "I'm not going where you're going, but if you like, you're more than welcome to come over here where I am." If I need to slow someone down, I'll do it with a word or two, or with my body. At some point you see something dawning on the other person. A sort of, "Hey, what’s going on here? This is different, and mmm...kind of nice. I think I like this." It’s such a sweet way to introduce karezza to someone. You'd be surprised how positive the response usually is. I look at it as a kind of gift I'm giving. Normally a person would have to be introduced to the concept somewhere, wrap their mind around it, and then stumble along with their partner as they try to get the hang of it through trial and error. Because of my experience, my partner gets to jump into the middle of the experience and get a real taste of what it's all about. I love the sharing that happens. I remember a lovely friend saying, "You can go now" (meaning, "have your orgasm"), after engaging for quite some time, definitely longer than she was used to. I said, " I don't do that." You could see the wheels spinning in her head as she digested the experience. The next time she was all over it, wanting more, and ended up getting so behind the idea that she had a conversation with her teenage son telling him this was the way to make love when he began being sexual. You would think that someone practicing karezza would get pulled into the hot conventional style sex by the other person but it’s by far the other way around. If you're confident, they can feel you're on to something, and they usually lean into it. Now, of course, if they're really going to move into non-orgasmic lovemaking they will still have to go through the rewiring process but they have a tangible personal experience to relate to

Young woman attempts to explain the concept of karezza to some unruly DJs.

[Marnia to a man wondering about discussing it with a prospective partner]The problem of "enlightening" a partner is a tricky one, especially today because hopping into bed for sex seems such an Obviously Right Idea. If she reads English, you could tell her about the bizarre book you read by an American woman and ask her what she thinks of it...just as a way of gauging her response. Who knows? She may like the idea. And if she hates it, then that will be useful information, too. I do not recommend trying to explain the ideas to her yourself. These ideas don't make sense to ANYone at their first hearing. There's a lot of natural resistance, and it gets projected onto the person talking about them. Better she project it onto me than you! Also, a book takes a slower, more redundant (at least in the case of my book) approach, so people have time to allow their resistance to arise and have their questions addressed.

When we got together, my husband said something that I think you guys can use in this situation. It was something like, "I don't mind taking a slow approach because I've noticed that when I rushed my relationships (sexually speaking), they tended to be short and end badly. I hope this relationship will last." Those weren't his exact words, but those were the key concepts. The challenge from the woman's perspective is that if you aren't trying to jump on her, she doubts her attractiveness. By letting her know you hope the relationship will bloom, she can relax because she knows you find her attractive. That said, women who are hooked on vibrators or porn, are gonna be like guys hooked on porn/masturbation...very needy and insistent and very unable to think in terms of the big picture. So if she's not ready, don't blame yourself!

(Anonymous woman) [She decided to move to sex without orgasm, but her partner wasn't on board]

Thought I'd share our most recent experience... As usual, I've been "avoiding" (enjoying the lack of!) orgasm, but B has not (at least not entirely- he "indulges" about once a week). Since we got together, I noticed he was struggling with drinking more and he started to smoke again (he had quit for a full year). I decided to let him bring me to climax last week - to observe the results myself. Wow, was I amazed at the extreme emotional upheaval that followed within a few days! The first day I started to feel a bit "distant" and detached from him. Within three days I was a raging bitch, and moved back into my own place for two nights! I honestly thought and felt it was the end for us! Thank goodness, I began to calm down, and reached for "the book" (your book, of course, no bibles ) I've read parts of it at least two or three times now. I started with the science, then backtracked to the intro and stories. It really took repeated readings and my own experience to fully connect with the consequences of fertilization sex. You are right - achieving a good experience with "karezza" and then comparing that again with "traditional" sex provides the contrast needed to really "get" it! Lucky for me, B is a patient, forgiving, and understanding guy! He's rereading the book as well, and is in on it 100 percent with me now ( I guess one bad experience with "bitchy" me is enough to turn any man!!) He's already calmer, not smoking, and not drinking. I'm very hopeful that he will be able to become a light social drinker eventually, like I am, so we can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, etc. Honestly - this stuff is so critical to relationship health, personal health, and perhaps even the future of our planet! Anything I can do to help get this into other people's hands I will do!

A cool thing that happened was we went for a walk down to this wonderful spot right behind his house where we could sit on a stone wall and look into the creek. We never did that when we were so busy in bed. It felt very young and innocent and romantic. He kept confusing "sex" and "orgasm" as we talked, and I kept having to reseparate them. He asked me some clarifying questions "So, you want to have sex, but not with orgasms?""Right.""Have you ever done that before?""Not in a long, long time.""I've done that a lot. That's the best kind of sex.""Right, yes." And (ding! ding! ding!) I realized that both of us had been thinking in the backs of our heads that the orgasmic fucking was a phase we needed to get past so we could get to the good stuff eventually. Pretty amazing realization, and really the insight of the evening for me. Of everything I told him, the thing that really seemed to make the most sense to him was the idea of the mating program and the bonding program. I explained the concept and he practically shouted "God! That's so true!" He has struggled with addictions enough and learned enough about brain chemistry that when I made a dopamine vs oxytocin distinction he was right on board immediately.

So we had a truly epic hug, the kind of hug I always wish a hug could be. Snuggly and endless, with sighing and giggling and gentle squeezes and lots and lots of stillness. A few sweet kisses, some more hugs, and good night. We are so far off the script now neither of us seemed to really know our lines anymore. But that feels like freedom. I don't want to leave this with the impression that I converted him or that we are on the same page at this point. Our conversation was punctuated by his adamant refusal to ever consider giving up orgasm himself. I presented the whole thing as a personal decision on my part and didn't try to suggest he alter his behavior in any way. Turns out he only masturbates every week or two anyway when he doesn't have a lover. I could see the wheels spinning though and I did suggest that he reconsider some of his previous relationships in this light. When we were seeing each other, he told me a lot about his relationship woes. He did say "well, sex was always the sticking point. It's always caused the most arguments, but usually because they DIDN'T want to have sex and I was so frustrated."

There was a particularly poignant moment as he was pondering his previous relationships and then came back to the reality that I wasn't going to have orgasmic sex with him and he looked deflated and said "I just never can win." Awww. I really felt bad for him in that moment. Here's this woman he wanted for years, reconnecting, having a wonderful, romantic evening and she's given up orgasm altogether? What the hell? Poor guy. And (second ex lover to do this) he teased me that there was no way that I could possibly ever have sex without having orgasms anyway. His philosophy on the whole thing, which I very much appreciate, was "But I'm still alive!!!" By which he meant that life is always a struggle, we always feel pulled along by our dopamine and that you can't get off the ride until you die. And a wild ride it is. Feeling insatiable is feeling alive, because if you were satisfied, you might as well be done with it all. When I said I felt totally crazy when we were dating and that my perception of reality was altered, he said "that's part of the fun!" He said only boring people get bored and that love and sex without orgasm sounded boring to him.

I told him I wanted to live the oxytocin propelled life instead of the dopamine life for a while and see what I think. His attempts to negotiate out of this deadlock were pretty hilarious. "Ok, so what about couldn't you have that relationship you want with all the hours of tantric energy exchange and everything and then just every few months or so just go at it and do some serious fucking?" I laughed. "I think you probably just described my future. I don't know. I'm new to this, it's really an experiment at this point. We'll see." So yeah. It was great to talk to someone who was neither a fellow convert nor completely dismissive. He really engaged the ideas and gave me fresh insight. I had been looking forward to healing our friendship for a while, but I'm glad I didn't see him until now. With my new perspective, we were able to really connect in a more profound way. So, even though we kept our clothes on this time, I left his house feeling a stronger, deeper, more lucid and honest affection for him than I ever did when we were fucking. All in all, a lovely evening.

(Suggestion by a man to a woman who wants her boyfriend to try karezza) I would say "I'm not going to come for awhile. I'd like to explore my sexual nature without having an orgasm." And you proceed from that point of view. Slow him down if you feel he is getting to intense for you applying clitoral stimulation or whatever that is putting you over the edge, and abstain from having him give you oral, and you can proceed to explore this.

I know it sounds weird. But really, it will be much easier for him to jump aboard on his own, once you are doing your thing. A man will take a woman's lead here after a bit, it won't take much. Just to try things out for a few weeks.

• This guy tries to explain to men...

(westgate - male) Bonding behaviours and non-orgasmic sex discussions during dating I have brought this up with a couple of girls who i felt were interested in me, but had only just met me. heh heh. Great way to come across as weird. Most people find these topics awkward and weird when some potential date/fling/prospect brings it up soon after getting going. I think you have to establish an emotional bank balance with them first (get connected at least a little with other topics). It's funny how you are experienced as 'weird' to talk about this stuff straight away, but I'm sure if we played out the old mating game of attraction, we would be able to have sex far sooner than we'd be comfortable talking about it. That insistent old mating brain... On the other hand, I brought these ideas up with girls I had known for some time at work. The response here was very good. I find many people are fascinated by these ideas. I also find it's a great way to sort out who has depth of feeling and sensitivity and who is shallower. SUMMARY: Karezza is a great topic for conversation, provided someone is comfortable with you already.

(tattvamasi - male) So I have profiles on a few different internet personals sites. One of those sites is Okcupid. It's kind of a social network and online dating site rolled into one- there are some people on there looking for friends, while others are looking for more intimate connections. So there are various sections users can fill out on their profiles, one of which is "Most private thing I'm willing to admit." Here's what mine says: "I don't believe in orgasm. Shocking, I know! This realization came after much research that ended up dovetailing very nicely with things my own intuition has told me for quite some time. Confused? Angered? Intrigued? I'm happy to discuss..." I was editing my profile like a week ago and decided to just lay that out there to see what happened. To my pleasant surprise, I'm piquing the curiosity of many women. The general reaction is kind of like, "A man... a person with a penis... saying he doesn't believe in orgasm?!?!? Wow, I gotta find out what this is all about!" I actually exchanged a couple of really great e-mails with a woman recently. She was curious about why I choose not to orgasm, so I gave her a very rough outline (I probably didn't do it justice!) of the ideas in Marnia's book. Here's what she said in response: "It makes sense. I often think that the whole act can be boring and a chore if the goal is ultimately an orgasm and not to be close to one another. Its hard to find a man these days who has a deeper understanding on sex, and well, relationships in general. I think its partly that I keep meeting boring jerky men who have no desire for depth or a purpose driven life. Im going to check that book out too. Thanks :)" Then, a couple messages later she said: "It really does sound like an amazing experience. I grew up in a very spiritual household and have these deep engrained beliefs that sex is spirtual and not just physical satisfaction. But in my life so far have not had that experience. I imagine you have to be with a partner you love and care for. it sounds like there is such an intimacy to it. A lot of people would probably shy away from that kind of deep human connection." We ended up meeting for coffee the other day, and it was nothing short of magical. The conversation rolled right along for an hour and a half before she ended up having to go back to work. It almost seemed that we finished each other's sentences at times. There were plenty of synchronicities throughout the conversation as well. It was almost like the Universe was like, "See! Don't be shy about your beliefs! Shout it from the rooftops and you'll attract amazing people into your life!" There were things that she was saying and ideas she was expressing that I have been reading about in a book (The book is called "Anastasia"- book I of the Ringing Cedar series... check it out!) over the past couple of days. These were some pretty unconventional ideas, so the fact that she was talking about them... it was like she was reading my thoughts! We talked about how children are Art, the ultimate expression of creation... and right as we were talking about this, a woman pushing a stroller stopped right in front of our table. We looked down at this beautiful baby inside, then looked at each other in an amused kind of awe. What a great date it was. We have plans to go out again soon, and I'm greatly looking forward to it. So I guess what I'm trying to express, wonderful karezza community, is don't be shy about this amazing concept. I simply put it out there with a kind of "take it or leave it" mentality. Some women message me and are very curious about it, others don't mention it. It seems to be a nice balance between being completely quiet about karezza and trying to push it on people. If you let them meet you halfway, then the door to dialogue is open.

(intriqued - male) I met her through a mutual friend a few weeks ago. After a great evening together she asked to come back to my place. It was really awkward timing. I had just said my good byes to my girlfriend (a fantastic relationship (love on both sides, but riddled and ultimately ruined by my ED issues) a few days before and had just started my reboot (day 3). I said she could, but I explained that I couldn't do anything that night. I wasn't really presuming anything but just wanted to be honest and lay my cards on the table. So we spent the night caressing, feeling, touching, kissing, laughing, talking, and getting to know each other's bodies. It must of gone on for hours. Our clothes stayed on (underwear) throughout. I guess this was a non-conscious attempt at Karezza. Knowing that sex was off the cards made things really relaxed. I am not sure I would of suggested this kind of 'sex' myself, had it not been for my reboot, but I actually got a lot out of the no-O evening together. Later that night she caught me off guard by telling me she hadn't had sex for 6 months. She said she came to the realisation that casual sex wasn't improving her life and so decided to make the rule to only have sex with someone she had true feelings for. Like myself she was trying to change her relationship towards sex. I should give her a copy of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. The next time we met (12 days into reboot) we had a great day together (museums, gigs, walking), and again ended up in bed together. Again we took things slowly. She said she felt odd, and at one point left the room saying she had to have a moment to herself to think things through. She apologised when she came back in. I told her not to worry. She said she wasn't going to have sex with me that night; fine by me We spent a lot of time together (kissing, touching, cuddling) before 'escalating'. I completely lost track of time. I really couldn't tell you if it was 30 minutes or 2 hours. I seem to have started enjoying these more natural encounters. Seeing where things go rather than trying to force things. It's not my normal language but it felt a little spiritual. Revelling in another's touch, moving, anticipating, sensing each other. Relaxed and getting turned on without any sense of performing.

===========================

(Another male) After limited success with different types of dating, I've just gotten more and more direct over time. Finally, I got to the point of being completely direct on an online advert, I wrote something like, "If the theory is that you can find whatever you're looking for online, I'm looking for a friend to spend time with; kiss, touch, give physical affection to. Nothing skeevy. I'm normal and sane. Oxytocin is good for you." Now I just have to figure out a system of sorting through all the women who replied.

(recreatingone) I just met someone in the fall of last year and it's still fresh how I introduced it to her. I was doing internet dating and i posted something about karezza on the site and in my profile. Once we met and started chatting back and forth it became a question of curiosity. I was able to explain that i was looking for a partner who was open to karezza because i have learned some interesting things. She took the bait and and asked me "like what?" i went to tell her that i have learned that at least some people can be prone to changes in the brain after orgasm that lead to feelings of depletion, neediness and things that would cause fighting amongst partners. She was fascinated by this and now I know why. From there we have had episodes of being successful with Karezza and lately not so much. When things were being held to the karezza way of sexual interaction there was a lot more harmony in our relationship. We found that penetration from me being on my side and her on her back was more intimate and less sexually dominating or stimulating. From there if we kept to that all things were good. The problem i think we got into is that we learned how to "edge" and then it became like an experiment to try different positions and see if we could "edge" but not orgasm. I can tell you now from experiences that this game of too much edging gets us in trouble and one of us winds up orgasming. So we are now in a reboot and trying to save ourselves because too much edging and leads to orgasm and then right back to the cycle again. Now there have been times when I spontaneously orgasmed by just floating inside of her and not trying an vigorous movements and then we did not seem to have the "fallout". I guess the love hormones saved us. So if you are having "casual sex" with a partner that you may not be with again, then first of all, it won't matter if she thinks you're weird right? Second, if you think the two of you will be back making love again, then why not start out on the right foot and tell her something interesting your exploring and see if she takes the bait.

(sood) Http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/curiousfellow/cuddle-sutra The drawings are simple but, I think, sexy: and that's with clothes on. If your bloke doesn't seem too keen on a prolonged diet of either the Exchanges or cuddling, it seems to me, if you're willing, you could take turns to make love each other's way. He can't force you to have an orgasm if you'd rather not, and you can't force him not to have one if he wants to; but you could both agree to make love slowly, one day, in the way you want, and faster, the next time, as he prefers.

We found knowing we would do what we most wanted, next time, made doing now, what we wanted less, much easier. It also enabled suprising, and effortless, changes to take place in what we prioritised. Scheduled lovemaking was great fun, and took all the pressure off.

(blissed) My wife lies flat on her back on our bed. I usually start by massaging her legs from thigh to ankle. I can tell how effective I am by the sounds she makes as she lets go of tension. This is time well-spent as the more deeply relaxed she is, the better the Karezza. Then, from the foot of the bed, I slowly move forward on my hands and knees, over her body, until our chests are matched up. I hold the bulk of my own weight on my knees and lower arms, but press into her to the degree that's pleasant for both of us. Gentle movements against her pubis, while our chests are together, soon has her squirming around underneath me. Sometimes, in a gentle, playful way, we will dry hump like a couple of horny teenagers. No attempt is made at PIV until she says to me in her sweet voice, "Honey, I'm ready."

Early in our marriage, rather than me always asking her if she was ready, we decided to have her ask me specifically to put my penis in her vagina, but only when she was completely ready. This let me know she was ready, and just as important, her asking me to put myself inside her was very good for her emotions because her initiating gave her more of a sense of freedom and choice.

Sex had been so traumatic for her in a previous relationship that she had spent a lot of time running away from it, and then giving in to sex she didn't want out of a false sense of duty. Her specifically asking me to join our bodies in lovemaking has been an effective remedy for the trauma, stress, and lack of freedom in her past.

(FinallyHappy) *Almost* everything I have learned about Karezza has come from this amazing website. I thought I should pay-it-forward in a sense and offer a very personal part of my Karezza experience as I think others will benefit from it greatly.

[More]

One of these days I hope to write down my whole story and my experience with karezza, as I know that my mission in life is to teach others about this. In a nutshell, I was raised in a home without affection, security, comfort (yada, yada, yada) and I had reluctantly accepted that I was suffering from an insecure attachment disorder. My partner was my very best friend and we loved being together, but every time he touched me, I was filled with anxiety. My heart broke whenever I looked at him because all he wanted to do was give me his love and he couldn't. I had no idea how to be loved by him and I had even less of an idea how to tap into my love and give it to him. Psychologically I understood exactly what was going on and why, but I was unable to find a tool to help myself. I was consumed with "fixing" what was "wrong" with me, but no matter what I tried, nothing worked. My partner and I were heartbroken together.

On a (very) random occasion, my anxiety was at bay when my partner touched me. We made love that night in a way we never had before (very karezza-ish) and the next day I felt so good and so close to him. I wondered why, so I started researching and realized that oxytocin was the reason I felt that way. I started looking up ways to increase oxytocin and stumbled upon this site. My life was forever changed. Karezza was the tool I had been looking for. My love and I have been together for 9 years - 8 of those years, we suffered a great deal together... but the last year, with karezza, has been nothing short of magical. I am finally happy <3

I have had great success [explaining this to] couples. My love grins ear to ear as he watches me work karezza into conversations at just the right moment. He says people are captivated by me and that I could sell anything to anyone. I don't agree that I could sell anything, only things that I believe in whole-heartedly. People look at me like I am reading their minds, but in reality, we are all fighting most of the same battles. The answer is always the same... it's true, connected love, and it's usually sleeping right next to them.

[Reply by a man on the forum]

What a wonderful story! Thank you for sharing!

Sarita and Gebo, in their excellent book, 'Tantric Love,' call that technique 'Mother-Child Meditation' (p. 106). They recommend that the male latch on for 20 minutes. They recommend that the couple not pursue intercourse immediately thereafter, but wait a few hours, as "...This (intercourse) would disrupt the delicate inner process that has been initiated in both of you..." They also recommend that a couple perform this, ideally, daily on 10 consecutive days.

The rest of the book is akin to the 'Ecstatic Exchanges' in Marnia's book, but with lovely photos.

Here is the entire section on p. 106:

Mother-child meditation

The Breast-sucking (photo on right) technique can be done whether or not you and your partner are lovers; it does not involve sexual intercourse. The woman takes the role of the mother with a baby and the man becomes the baby. After the meditation you should not, under any circumstances, enter into intercourse. This would destroy the delicate inner process that has been activated in both of you. If you and your partner are lovers, you can enter sexual union after a few hours.

It may happen that a great desire for sex arises during the meditation because of openness, intimacy, and vulnerability. Sometimes the man fears losing his manhood and will want to prove it by having sex; sometimes the woman may feel a surge of pleasure as she relaxes inter her breasts. Just keep witnessing those feelings, but do not let them distract you. The sucking is that of a baby seeking nourishment, not of a man seeking to turn on a woman. There is a great differences If you are not sure what the difference is, watch a baby sucking on a mother's breast.

This mediation is to be done ten times, preferably every day, for ten days.

(This is the verbiage under the photo)
Breast-sucking meditation

If you are the woman, take the role of a mother with her baby. Hold your partner and be with him exactly like a woman is with her infant. Do not talk other than in baby talk. If you are the man, become the baby. Curl up in your partner's lap and suck her breasts for 20 minutes, just like a baby. After the meditation, separate, bow in gratefulness, and move apart without speaking. Under no circumstances should you enter into intercourse.

(Post by husband in his 50s, recently remarried) This post will be at least a start of relating some of the highlights of what we have learned in our practice of karezza for the first 6 1/2 months of our karezza marriage.

After we had settled into our nice room where we spent our 3 day honeymoon, we took turns slowly "unwrapping" each other, kissing, and touching, and then we took a relaxing tub bath together. After that we took turns touching and looking over each other's bodies in the natural light. I then told her that she was very beautiful, and that her vagina and labia were also beautiful and looked like the petals of a flower. This was a miracle because, when we had talked a week or two before we were married, my beloved had voiced that she wanted us to make love under the covers and in the dark. I simply voiced that I would like to make love openly and in the daylight or with the lights on. And then we prayed that we would be brought into harmony on this question. Fast-forward to us walking into the room with our bags with her walking ahead of me. We were both immediately pleased with everything about the room, and all her reservations about me seeing her body, and us making love in the light, were swept away in an instant. What a pivotal moment !!

When we first attempted intercourse, we used some walnut oil for lublication and I was soft. My beloved laid on the bed with her back flat and straight, and when I saw how low her vaginal entrance was, I suggested that we try connecting with her legs straight up in the air. I was upright on my knees and moved in close to her. By pressing her feet and calves against my chest and shoulders she was able to arch and raise her bottom so that her vagina and my penis were in perfect alignment with each other. I then asked her to part her "flower" for me as I slowly and gently and easily inserted just the head of my penis inside her. With that first small step she had (on a scale of one to ten) level 5 pain in the entrance to her vagina. I asked her to tell me if she wanted me to withdraw. She wanted to hang in there, and let our genitals talk to each other, while we both remained perfectly still. Within 5 to 10 minutes the pain had diminished to about 3 and remained at that level, and after another 5 minutes or so I withdrew. We then spoke about what we had learned, cuddled, put our chests together for a short time, and then had some light refreshments.

A couple of hours later we joined together again in the same way, but her initial pain this time was less, and the duration of the pain was also slightly less. Later that evening we joined together in the scissors position and fell asleep for a couple of hours. We were both very encouraged by the immediate, small incremental improvements, and we felt that the more time that we had my penis in her vagina the sooner our bodies would be completely at peace with each other.

Within 24 hours, (after joining together 5 or 6 times) I was able to enter her exactly like I did the first time with her having only slight pain for a moment or two, and then no pain at all as long as I remained perfectly still. She still had some slight pain or discomfort (a 1 or 2) if I moved at all inside her vagina. We had absolutely no agenda, and I made sure in advance that my beloved did not feel under any pressure to perform. I had assured her two or three times, (before we were married) that if we simply held each other in our arms for our entire honeymoon because she was not ready or able to make love yet, that it would be ok. That assurance helped her a lot. When we went home three days later, we were both very happy with the progress we had made together, and the confidence in our future happiness that we had both gained.

The second night of our honeymoon we again fell asleep joined together in the scissors position. After an hour or so, I woke up suddenly with her pulling violently away from me because of the very severe pain from a firm erection I had inside her. Later the next morning, as we talked more about what had happened, I had complete clarity that her severe vaginal pain was from her past, and was not from anything I had done in the moment. My penis was simply responding to her female polarity when it became erect in her vagina while we were both asleep. (I wasn't moving at all) At first she had a bit of trouble understanding what was going on, (generally it's much easier to focus on and blame whatever's going on in the moment) but she saw it more and more clearly that the pain was from her past as we talked and reasoned it out.

Our honeymoon consisted of four primary activities: lovemaking, taking nourishment, going for pleasant walks in the surrounding area as we talked about what we were experiencing and learning, and sleep whenever we wanted for however long or short we wanted. The first three days of our marriage was everything that both of us wanted and hoped it would be. The motel we stayed at was within 10 miles of home, nobody else knew where we were, and we were able to lock the world outside while we learned to make love to each other in a safe, comfortable, and very pleasant environment. It will also be very easy to return to the same motel and room on our anniversary if we choose.

After reading Diana Richardson's books we decided to always use the words "penis" and "vagina" when referring to our sex organs because we can say either of those words 100 times in a row without it sounding goofy. Once in a great while we will refer to my "wand of light" or her "sacred space", but most of the time we use "penis" or "vagina". Once in a while my beloved will say "the vagina" when referring to herself instead of "my vagina" and I'll reply with "Who's vagina are we talking about?", she'll correct herself and refer to "her vagina", and we'll have a good chuckle between us.

Before marriage, we had hours and hours of spooning with her legs resting on mine. It was pure bliss for both of us. We still enjoy spooning because we have so much positive history with it, but I did not really think much about spooning with intercourse because for the first 2 or 3 months virtually all my entries were soft. (and I thought - mistakenly - that rear entry while spooning was impossible, or next to impossible, without a firm erection).

One morning 2 or 3 months ago, I woke up with a partial or full erection, my beloved was lubricated from our earlier lovemaking, I asked her if we could join together, she placed "the little man with the helmet on" at her entrance, and with very little effort I was "in". I was (and still am) absolutely amazed at how easy it was (and is) for us to "plug in" this way. I've also been totally amazed by how much pleasure is possible for both of us without me having a full erection, and also how easy it is for my soft or semi-soft penis to slide around in her lubricated vagina.

We are both completely relaxed while spooning, and the sensations from our slow gentle movements and pauses are amazing. If one of us wakes at 4-4:30am, we will often turn toward and gently wake the other, and put our chests together for a short time to wake up our polarities, we'll fall asleep this way, I'll wake up with an erection, and then she'll turn back over on her other side, and we'll join together as spoons. On a few different mornings I have had just the very start of an erection, my beloved has placed the head of my penis right at her entrance, I made a little flick with my hips, and I was "in". While we are joined, I will often move my free hand slowly all over her body with feather-light touch and it really helps her energy to move freely all over her body. I know from previous experience that regular rear entry sex can very quickly lead to orgasm. When we spoon I do have to use more discipline to resist the old impulses to thrust, and more discipline and focus to keep moving my energy up frequently, in order to not get too close to orgasm -- but the benefits we both enjoy with this very satisfying position make it well worth any extra effort.

The pain and trauma that my beloved has stored in her body generally and especially in her vagina (much of it for decades) is now being released and healed by our gentle lovemaking. 30 years ago she spent a few hours of her honeymoon in the emergency room due to severe pain. (possibly semen allergy, or honeymoon cystitis, mixed with some deep fears she had of the unknown about sex) She spent the better part of two decades with a man who was often insensitive, ejaculated quickly, and fell off to sleep after he was done, while she went and sat in a tub of warm water to relieve her pain. To try to cope, she would stay late at work, do other things away from home, and let him have sex as infrequently as possible. She was on tamoxifen for two years which caused her severe vaginal dryness and irritation. She once had a medical device inserted in her vagina to take pictures of the walls of her vagina and she recalls clearly that the pain associated with that procedure was "off the chart". (level 10 or over) The medical assistant commented that that was not "normal" for her to be in that much pain, but didn't make any suggestion of where to seek help.

Before we met it was painful for her to even touch herself on any part of her vagina or labia. Bathing with warm water alone produced level 5 pain, and the pain was increased to level 6-8 with a quality hand-made soap. She remembered that at some point after we started spooning without intercourse (during our 2 year long courtship), her pain while bathing was reduced to level 3 pain with warm water alone, and the pain was increased to level 4-5 with a quality hand-made soap. A month or so before we married, she propped herself up-side-down against a wall and poured some walnut oil into her vagina because we planned to use
that as a lubricant on our honeymoon -- it felt very good to her and she had NO negative reaction. As her vaginal pain has lessened during lovemaking, it has likewise lessened during bathing when she touches her vagina and labia. She now has NO pain in bathing or lovemaking and lovemaking is more and more
pleasurable to her. And I am becoming more and more sensitive in my penis and I can often sense her mood and/or energy level from the vibrations I recieve from her vagina.

My beloved has told me that when we spoon, if I gently move once or twice, and then remain still, that she has bursts of energy from her vagina that travel all over her body. This is now happening to the lady who had faith in me and my tenderness 6 1/2 short months ago, and pushed through her level 5 pain so that together we could help each other, step by step, get to where we are today.

I have ejaculated 7 or 8 times since our wedding - none of them were intentional. We made love every day for 5 weeks before my first inadvertant ejaculation. I have only ejaculated twice inside my beloved's vagina. The first time she had NO noticable reaction, the second time she had a slight burning sensation in her vaginal area, and her focus and energy level that day was less than usual. So we are especially thankful for a knowledge of Karezza. I will share a few more comments and observations on ejaculation in a future post.

My darling wife, the woman who has been through all of the above, is the same woman who now frequently asks me for PIV and asks if I am going to bed with her so we can fall asleep joined together in the scissors position. It is always a pleasure to respond to her lovemaking requests. She just as eagerly responds to mine. We remain open in heart and mind to whatever the future holds for us on our karezza journey together.

Time is the surest method. Women often seem to need longer than men to feel back in balance (if they notice a connection at all), but members of both sexes have occasionally reported recovery times of up to 15 days. Some people feel the effects for a shorter time, of course. And most people have both good and bad days during the cycle.

Learn how long the return to balance takes you, and it will help you be less reactive. You may find that the more consistent you are with karezza, the less fallout you experience. On the other hand, some people feel like hangovers sometimes gets worse...or perhaps just more noticeable, because their sense of wellbeing is so much stronger that they really notice any ripples.

Forum members report their methods for minimizing neurochemical ripples after inadvertent ejaculation:

(blissed) After one or two of my ejaculations (in 6.5 months) I felt a touch off balance, but the rest of the times I didn't notice much of anything at all -- either physically or emotionally. And each time I've tried to be especially open to and aware of any symptoms at all that I might see.

I think the main reason for very few ripples of any duration is because, after each ejaculation, to whatever degree possible, I have worked (with my darling wife) toward immediately minimizing the effects.

For example, one of my ejaculations happened on a work day about an hour before the alarm was due to go off. I went and washed up, came right back to bed, and put my chest together with my beloved's chest for 20 to 30 minutes and I could feel my energy and emotions come back into balance enough that I had an uneventful day at work and happy evening at home. When I had another ejaculation on a weekend morning, I went in and washed up, came right back to bed, and joined together scissors with my beloved until I felt better. We made love again later that day, and again early the next morning, and within 24 hours of the ejaculation I felt absolutely 100% and on top of the world physically and emotionally.

I also take the best male nutritional supplement that I'm aware of, to minimize the work my body has to do to replace and assimilate the nutrients I've lost in the ejaculation.

I think my beloved's support and acceptance of my not trying to ejaculate is important. Her love, support, and acceptance in helping me to come back into balance after an ejaculation also seems to make a big difference for me.

I would be happy to go the rest of my life without an ejaculation. But if I inadvertantly have one, I will use the tools I have to minimize the damage and get back to balance.

I like the analogy of the fire extinguisher beside the cook stove -- you hope you never have to use it, but if you do, it's there to help minimize any potential damage.

(Curious fellow) When I have the occasional orgasm, a couple things seem to help minimize the hangover effects:

1. Just lie still and let the orgasm happen; don't try to intensify the sensations.

2. If I feel some irritation with my wife in the following days, blame it on the orgasm, not on my wife! Really, that seems to make a big difference.

What's the best way to cope with an orgasm hangover?

A forum member asked:

I'm wondering what men in particular but also couples do to stay mindful during the hangover phase, to accept it, move through it quicker, etc.

Replies:

1. Be kind and loving to yourself

2. It's a cycle. At these moments I welcome all parts of life:

• heat wave one month,
• cold and darkness on others,
• rainy grey another,
• sunshine and blue sky just another;
• not a goal

3. I just figure that this is my brain on crack. Not really on crack, just kidding, but my brain altered by a fog or filter that affects my judgment and thoughts although I might not be aware of it. Just knowing that this period of time my thinking and judgment is not to be relied upon, and that it will be okay in a week...that is enough for me to get through it pretty well.

But as a practical matter, the key is LOTS of naked cuddling and bonding. That really takes the edge off and can bring things back to what they were. I have amazing feelings for my partner and after my last ejaculation "accident" the feelings came right back in a few days rather than a week. I experienced some down time and flat feelings and a bit of disappointment but the cuddling and bonding did their thing as they always do. This is THE key to the whole issue, I think.

You may also wish to read this thread.

(clarity) You mentioned several months ago that one of the toughest times for you back then was at night, in bed, right before falling asleep. That was the hardest time for me at first, too. Then I started to just go with it, and go ahead and fantasize, but keep it calm. Sometimes basically a karezza fantasy, sometimes a full on energy circulation meditation. Now that it's been over a year, it's where my mind goes automatically. I don't have to try anymore, I can just relax and feel like I am indulging myself, yet I stay safely calm.

Karezza works best with female condoms. They can be ordered here: http://www.undercovercondoms.com/

Forum members give condom advice:

(Rachel) My lover and I used the female condoms early in our relationship and I think they would work well for karezza~~we made inserting it part of the fun (I let him do it as he has really long fingers)~~you will probably laugh at first because they are so different, but they work well and no worries about whether you have an erection or not!

(Clarity) I like the female condoms a lot, too. I've never liked the way male condoms feel like a one way trip, like once you get started you've got to keep going.

(emerson)  Condoms are okay - even the male kind. If you have to use them, they're allright. They do require adjustments/worry and sometimes new installation of a fresh one now and then. There is a scale of arousal, from 0 to 10, with 10 being orgasm. Condoms only work if you are a 4,5,6 or higher...so you have to be hard and stay kinda hard.

(Daniel S)  I was seeking rather desperately for advice since no matter how "successfully" I seemed to be practicing Karezza, I was always feeling drained and weakened afterward. ... We have since started using a different brand of condom (we had previously always used the Durex brand) and I am no longer experiencing the tiredness I wrote about. This has been a very remarkable thing, after months of such unpleasant, debilitating symptoms.

(freedom) We’ve tried male and female condoms. We’ve also tried Trojan Natural Lamb. We’d rank the lambskin above the female condom. Although the female condom might be better for karezza in terms of erection strength not being as much of an issue, the lambskin ones feel better for both of us. The lambskin ones seem to allow for greater energy transfer. We find synthetic condoms feel like rubber bands, which can push us toward O territory. That doesn’t seem to happen with the lambskin based upon our early trials. You need to hold the lambskin condom on when you withdraw. NOTE: lambskin condoms do not protect against STDs.

Natural Lamb condoms aren’t cheap. The best deal we’ve tracked down is through Bed, Bath and Beyond if your local store carries the 10 pack and you use the abundant 20% off coupons.

While we’re on birth control topic, we also use a diaphragm with Contragel. Contragel isn’t available in the US, but you can order it from some places online. It’s cheapest in Germany if you live there or happen to be there. It’s lactic acid based and smells like cookies.

As for pregnancy caused by pre-cum, the risk is lower than you may think. This excerpt comes from a 2013 article entitled "Why Still So Few Use Condoms."

The truth is that the chance of pregnancy by pre-cum is so remote that it is a statistical nonfactor. Two separate studies conducted by the National Institutes of Health found no sperm in pre-ejaculate fluid, as did a study conducted by Connecticut State University in conjunction with Princeton University . The Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Rabin Medical Center in Petah Tikva, Israel also failed to find any trace of sperm in pre-ejaculate fluid, and the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University maintains that "pre-ejaculate rarely contains sperm." Despite the overwhelming evidence -- some of which is readily available at sources like WebMD -- some continue to propagate the myth, maybe because they believe the end justifies the means.

The Exchanges in Cupid can help get around the following challenge because they "pace" the transition. A Cupid reader reported:

This past weekend we just kind of lost it and spent 9 hours total making love, no orgasm, but lots of edging. It was awesome but left us both exhausted due to sleep deprivation. I felt jumpy and anxious, like having had too much coffee. So we cooled it down for the last couple of days. Then this morning we woke up and started getting heated, just some kissing, and breast touching/kissing. FIRE!!! It's crazy, we can't keep our hands off each other.

I don't like this! I feel extremely aroused and loving toward my wife, but jittery. There is defnitely sexual tension that is causing discomfort. My wife feels the same, as she has recently decided to join me to go to 30 days without O. But this morning she says to me that she wants me badly but we'd better set some boundaries like no hugging in bed, as that just opens the box. I completely agree with her. But I find this really frustrating. What is happening is that we're getting so charged up for each other that it seems the only way to control it is to keep our hands off each other. We can't lie down and kiss or that will lead to more. Can't hug in bed or that will lead to more. Probably can't even snuggle on the sofa as that will lead to more. I love snuggling and being close, but it seems so difficult to just do this without it leading to more. And I'm afraid that my wife will pull away and we will be less affectionate in order to gaurd against the raging fire that always seems to be smoldering. I'd love to engage in more bonding behaviors, but it seems like we can't do that without getting out of hand. Which leads to further feelings of neediness and longing because I'm not getting the affection I crave. And then the feelings of needing affection get blended in with the feelings of sexual desire.

If edging really does cause these feelings i would definately caution people against it, or at least to be aware of it and experiment with cause/effect. For me, I feel like it actually raises my anxiety and stress. Sure, it's exciting, but very taxing on the body and central nervous & immune systems and does not feel right.

Another guy answered:

(Marnia) Suggestion: Definitely don't avoid doing some bonding behavior before sleeping. Try one without kissing, such as

1. placing a soothing palm over each others genitals. This may increase arousal at first, but then things calm down leaving a nice glow, or
2. spooning with as much stillness as you can muster.

This jittery tension has been reported by others and it does seem to be related by going too close to The Edge for too long and then stopping. It will pass if you don't keep stoking the fires. You might try cold water (or a cold, wet towel) on the genitals if you overheat.